


Violent Veils

by TacticalCupcakes



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Act2, Fear, Gen, Mind Manipulation, POV First Person, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2019-10-03 13:46:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 27,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17285213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TacticalCupcakes/pseuds/TacticalCupcakes
Summary: "Is it... okay for me to feel this way?"As the first act comes to a close, the story starts up again. Only... things feel different.A retelling of the story from Yuri's perspective in the second act.





	1. Chill

A pale quarter-moon looms in the dark sky above, casting a delicate ray of light through my window. There’s a curious absence of stars tonight, emphasizing the glowing alabaster beams.

 

It’s four o’clock in the morning, and I’ve yet to sleep.

 

Recently, pressure has been mounting to try and find a fourth member for the literature club I run alongside my friend Monika. It’s something of a happy accident that I ended up being the club’s Vice President, but that doesn’t prevent me from taking my duties seriously.

 

We were lucky to attract the attention of another girl, but that still only puts us at three members. If we can’t find one more person by the end of the week, we’ll lose our status as an official club, and in turn effectively dissolving it entirely. Only official clubs can participate in the annual cultural festival, meaning the stakes are higher than ever.

 

_If we were to disband..._

_No. That’s not going to happen; someone else will come along._

 

Monika’s a resourceful person; intelligent beyond her years and beautiful beyond comparison, she radiates charisma. In a way, it’s almost curious that we’re struggling to maintain a consistent attendee count.

 

Natsuki, the third member of our club, doesn’t seem to have the same enthusiasm that Monika and I have towards literature. In fact, a lot of the time she tends to either read her picture books in the corner, or she’ll straight up fall asleep. Monika tells me to put up with it since we’re _that_ desperate for members, but it feels somewhat insulting. After all, if you can’t even pretend to be interested in our activities, then why do you even show up? 

 

I’m by no means an outgoing person, but I at least make an effort to stay engaged. I don’t often have an audience I can share my opinions of my favourite novels with; to squander such valuable time is unfair to everyone else, isn’t it?

 

_But I suppose that’s something I can bring up at another time._

 

For now, the best thing for me to do is try and salvage what little sleep I might be able to until I’m supposed to head to school. Resting my head on the pillow, I close my eyes and try to think of calming things.

 

However, sleep doesn’t come.

 

I can’t fathom why, but recently I’m not able to quiet my mind at night; all of my subconscious thoughts, fears, desires, all make themselves heard, scurrying through my head like a rusty nail. No matter how much I stir in bed, no matter how heavy my eyelids grow, everything just feels so cacophonous, as though a lump of granite is scraping around my skull.

 

The brief patches of rest I _do_ have are anything but restful; my dreams are filled with persistent voices, loud enough to hear their words, but too quiet to discern who they might belong to.

 

_But what could it mean? Am I thinking too much about this?_

I’m usually quite composed, but recently… something’s felt _off_. But there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it right now.

_All I can really do is try to see things through until the morning, right…?_

 

…

 

I’m jolted awake by the feverish dancing of an alarm clock across my nightstand.

 

My eyes feel as though they’ve been stretched thin, a dull ache sits beneath each eyelid as I look around my room. I guess that means I got _some_ sleep, but certainly not as much as I would have liked. All I can feel are my tired eyes struggling to take in the light streaming through my window, and…

_My… My arm itches…_

_No… I’m not supposed to do that…_

As much as I try to expel the thought from my head, I can’t make the desire go away. The more I try to distract myself, the more the crawling sensation across my arm seems to flare up, as if I were showering with thumbtacks.

_If I’m quick, maybe…_

I shake my head, hoping the urges will tumble out through my ears. I know if I stay home to indulge myself, I won’t want to stop, and in turn I won’t want to leave for school. I have to go _now_ , and see what I can do about this later.

_With any luck, it won’t be overly distracting…_


	2. Reticent

The walk to school is relatively uneventful, but I still can’t shake the uneasy feeling rattling around inside my head. I’m sure it’s just nerves relating to the club meeting later in the day; either that, or my perpetual difficulties surrounding sleep might be catching up to me.

Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes in a vain attempt to assuage the dull ache behind them. However, it does little good, as I’m greeted with pain as soon as I open them again.

_If only there was more time…_

I know school is important, but I’d be lying if I said it was particularly interesting. I’d much prefer to be able to ensconce myself within the world of words I build up around me. Perhaps that’s what caused me to seek out the literature club; I’m hoping that someday I’ll be able to share my level of passion with someone.

Of course, the current members leave something to be desired in that department. Monika should be able to provide that kind of discussion in theory, and yet… she seems rather apathetic to myself and Natsuki. Does she maybe think she’s doing me a favour by letting me be Vice President? It’s not exactly a secret that I’m relatively unpopular in comparison; is this an elaborate practical joke?

Or I suppose it could be humorous in a cosmic sort of way; I’ve been presented with what on the surface appears to be the answer to my prayers, yet I’m met with indifference. Would it be easier to lower my expectations to avoid them being dashed?

 _No… I shouldn’t be thinking this negatively, especially this early in the morning. I’m sure whoever is coming along will help us find that missing_ something _from the club._

But I guess that’ll have to wait until later. For now, I should probably go to class…

…

The day crawls by at a painfully slow rate. That’s how it usually goes when you’re looking forward to something, isn’t it?

I wasn’t able to focus much on my lessons; everything seemed to be a bit of a blur as I spent each hour trying to distract myself from the increasingly inconvenient itch that spirals across my arm.

_I knew I should’ve taken care of this this morning…_

After an agonizing back and forth between glancing at the clock and running my nails up and down underneath my sleeve, it’s finally time to go to the literature club. Whilst I tend to tune out of my regular classes, I’m hopeful that today’s meeting will keep my mind busy.

_Although, there’s still a bit of time before I need to be there… I could…_

I shake my head, and force myself to walk in the direction of the clubroom. I know rationally that it’d be a dangerous path to follow those kinds of impulses.

I give the door to the room a couple of firm knocks. I hear the sound of someone rapidly shifting across the other side of the classroom, but they don’t say anything. Cautiously, I slide the door open to reveal a rather shocked Natsuki.

“Oh, it’s just you,” she huffs dismissively.

“I-I’m sorry?” I blink at her.

“Do you think you could…” she looks up at me, her narrow pupils betraying her bravado, “…n-never mind. Just, don’t do that, okay?”

“Eh?” I say, puzzled, “Knocking on the door?”

“Y-Yeah…” she stammers, struggling to appear in control, “I just don’t like it, alright?”

I open my mouth to ask for more details, but I decide against it. I don’t really need to know _why_ it might bother her; knowing that it _does_ is enough.

“I-I’ll do my best, Natsuki. My apologies…”

“Hmph.”

She exhales sharply and returns to where she was sitting, opening up a colourful volume of manga. I honestly don’t understand her infatuation with it, but I guess it would be somewhat hypocritical of me to belittle her over something like that. After all, I tend to prefer stories that are a bit ‘out there’ over safer, more mainstream novels. The macabre, the twisted, the outright chilling… those are the tales that intrigue me. Given time, I could be convinced that manga’s worthwhile, but Natsuki doesn’t appear interested in explaining it to me.

I take a quick look around the room, noticing that Monika has yet to arrive. She’s probably gone off to fetch our prospective new member; she should be here shortly.

_What should I do in the meantime though?_


	3. Yearn

“Good news, everyone!”

Hearing the door open behind me, I look back to see Monika making her entrance.

“I’m sure you’ll be delighted to know that we might now have enough members to make our club official!” Monika beams.

Natsuki looks at Monika skeptically.

“…Where are they then?” she asks, almost impatiently.

Stepping to the side, she allows her guest to enter the room.

_Oh goodness…_

_This person…_

I can’t quite place what it is, but there’s something about this person that’s… captivating. Their gently tussled hair frames their graceful face beautifully, accentuating their elegant eyes. A soft blush is painted across their cheeks, perfectly complimenting their features.

“Girls,” Monika starts, “I’d like to introduce you to Emuci!”

_Emuci… what a striking name…_

“This over here is Natsuki, who’s always full of energy,” Monika gestures towards us, “And that’s Yuri, our club’s Vice President!”

“I-It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance…” I say timidly. Just looking at them is making my heart beat faster. Subconsciously, I grip my arm with my other hand, wringing it gently.

“Likewise,” they respond, smiling warmly back at me.

_Emuci…_

“W-Wait!” Natsuki turns over to Monika, “Didn’t I tell you to let me know if you had someone new coming?”  
She fidgets uncomfortably, interlocking her hands behind her back.

“I was going to… y’know…”

Did Natsuki want to put on airs for our new member? Does she want to appear more likeable? She _does_ look disappointed, although I don’t doubt whatever she could put together would-

_Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Yuri. It’s not nice to think those things._

“Sorry,” Monika lets out a small laugh, “it just kind of happened. I bumped into them and… well, here we are.”

Suddenly, something clicks in my mind. With Natsuki’s supposed gift forgotten, I have the opportunity to make a good first impression immediately.

“P-Perhaps it would be a nice idea if I made some tea to help welcome our guest?” I suggest.

“Oh, that sounds like a great idea!” Monika grins. “Emuci, you can come to the back with me and Natsuki whilst Yuri gets that all sorted out, okay?”

Emuci nods, following Monika to some desks in the back of the classroom. Natsuki tags along, almost as if she were an afterthought.

Wasting no time, I pace towards the cupboard and retrieve a small electric kettle, then rush out of the door. It should only take a few moments to fill it up; there’s a nearby water fountain I can use.

_This will be sure to put Emuci in good spirits!  
But… why do I want to impress them so much? Why does the thought of them make my heart race?_

_*twitch*_

It wasn’t until just now that it occurred to me; with each pulse from my heart, a familiar burning sensation wraps around my arm. It feels like rusty piano wire pushing against mocha; desperately wanting to free itself but unable.

_I…_

Shaking my head, I try to focus on the water filling up the kettle. However, the urge is becoming too intense.

I peek around the corner to make sure nobody is around. Satisfied, I roll up my sleeve.

Running down the length of my arm are several cuts of varying depth and age. Some are faint, serene lines, as though left by a skater’s performance. Others are deeper and more erratic, and yet their passion overtakes any kind of disgust.

Reaching into my right pocket, I pull out a small red pocket knife. Once again reaffirming that I’m alone, I flick the blade out and press it to my skin.

“Khthhh-!”

I make a quick, sleek cut across my forearm. The sharp pain is quickly replaced with a soothing sensation washing over me. Such a visceral way of showing one’s emotions… it’s really quite stunning in a way.

Another cut. Another. Another.

I close my eyes and take a deep, cleansing breath. _That felt… really good…_

_But… I should probably go back to the clubroom. I don’t want to arouse any suspicion by staying out here too long._

I thrust my arm underneath the water fountain, and fumble around my other pocket for…

_Wait…_

I feel my eyes widen as I realize; I was in such a hurry this morning that I forgot to bring any form of bandage with me.

How could I be so foolish? I’m normally so careful about this… what happened?

I rinse my arm under the water again, and look over the cuts. Fortunately I was able to steady my hand, and they’re not too deep. With any luck, I shouldn’t have to worry about them bleeding through.

Hastily rolling my sleeve back down, I pick up the now-full kettle, and make my way back towards the clubroom.

_It’s going to be fine… I’m going to make tea for everyone, then I can clean this up later…_


	4. Flicker

Kettle in hand, I return to the clubroom. Emuci is sitting next to Monika, whilst Natsuki is across from them. Every so often, her head bobs, but she catches herself and tries to sit up straighter.

“As President of the literature club,” Monika says, “It’s my duty to make sure you have an unforgettable time here!”  
I stride over to the front of the room and place the kettle onto its electric stand to boil. I don’t think there’s too much I could add to the conversation right now. Besides, I’m curious to see how Emuci will respond…

“I’m surprised there aren’t more people in the club yet,” they say matter-of-factly. “It must be hard starting a new club.”

“You could say that,” Monika responds, “especially with something like literature. But I’m confident we’ll grow this club in no time!”

“Don’t you agree, Natsuki?” she says, leaning forward slightly.

“E-Eh?” Natsuki looks blankly ahead, as if she weren’t paying attention. “O-Oh, I guess…”

She doesn’t sound overly enthused. Whether that’s because she was put on the spot or she truly _doesn’t_ want anyone else to join isn’t certain,

I suppose I can agree with her a bit; there _is_ a nice kind of familiarity with having just a couple of people in the club. That way, it’s easier to get to know each other…

_I imagine that even someone like me could pluck up the courage to approach someone like Emuci… when there aren’t so many people watching…_

Before I can ponder that train of thought much longer, the kettle lets out a whimsical whistle, proudly puffing out a stream of steam. Picking it up, I collect the rest of my teaset from the cupboard and place it down on the desks with everyone else. With practiced poise, I prepare a lovely cup of tea for everyone, placing it in front of them. But when I go to hand Emuci their cup…

I feel my hand start trembling ever so slightly. A light, fluffy feeling bounces around in my chest, accompanied by a pleasant tingle across my arm. They must’ve noticed, because they reach forward to take it from me.

“Thanks, Yuri,” they smile at me warmly. “I’m surprised you’ve got a whole tea set in here.”

“Oh, it’s alright,” I return the smile, “we have permission from the teachers. After all, doesn’t a nice cup of tea help you get into a good book?”

“A-Ahah, I guess…” they rub the back of their head sheepishly.

“Don’t let yourself get intimidated,” Monika grins, “Yuri’s just trying to impress you.”  
“E-Eh? Th-That’s…”

I’m honestly taken aback. There’s something about the way she said that that just rubs me the wrong way.

“It’s okay,” Emuci says, “Although tea and reading might not be a pastime for me, I do enjoy tea at least.”

I sigh to myself, relieved that Monika hadn’t totally ruined the moment. “I-I’m glad you agree…”

_Such a compassionate person… but…still so mysterious… just what is it about you that I’m drawn towards?_

Now would be as good a time as any to try and find out a little bit more.

“So, Emuci,” I ask, turning to face them, “what sorts of books do you read?”

Emuci looks down at the floor. “W-Well… Manga…” they mumble.

Natsuki perks up slightly, but ultimately doesn’t say anything. I’m a bit surprised she doesn’t take the opportunity, although I’m certainly not complaining.

“N-Not much of a reader I guess…” I say, trying to hide my disappointment.

“Well, that could change…”

They’re already so open to trying new things… _I think we’re going to have a wonderful time here, Emuci._

“Anyway, how about you Yuri?” they look at me curiously.

“Hmm…” I trace my finger around the rim of my teacup. “Whilst I do enjoy stories with a lot of world building, my favourites tend to immerse you through deep psychological elements or themes.”

“Oh? Do you prefer any particular genre?”

I rest a finger against my cheek in thought. “I suppose I’ve been reading a lot of horror lately…”

“Ah,” Emuci looks off to the side shyly, “I read a horror book once…”

“Just what I’d expect from you, Yuri!” Monika giggles to herself, “It suits your personality.”

_What does she mean by that? Am I intriguing and mysterious? Or… is that a backhanded compliment?_

“Well, as long as a story can challenge my way of thinking, I can’t really put it down. If only for a moment, surreal horror is very good at that.”

“Ugh,” Natsuki mutters, “I hate horror…”

_Oh, you do? Or are you just trying to-_

_…there I go again. What’s wrong with me today?_

“Right,” Monika interjects, “You usually like cute things, don’t you?”

“E-Eh?!” Natsuki falters, “W-What gave you _that_ idea?”

_That’s not a denial._

Monika pulls a wrinkled sheet of paper out of her bag. “You left this behind last meeting… it looks like a poem called-“

“Don’t say it out loud!” Natsuki shouts, reaching for the paper, “And give that back!”

Monika rolls her eyes and allows Natsuki to take the poem. _Is it just me, or is Monika… trying to get under our skin today?_

“You write your own poems, Natsuki?” Emuci asks, an eyebrow raised, “That’s pretty impressive. Have you thought about sharing them?”

Natsuki’s eyes widen in fear. “N-No! You wouldn’t… like them…”

“Not too confident in your writing yet?”

“It takes a bit more than just confidence,” I say, “After all, writing to oneself is the truest form of writing. Bearing your soul so intimately… it can be overwhelming if you’re unprepared.”

I smirk to myself. I’m actually a little proud of how that sounded.

“You have writing experience as well, don’t you Yuri?” Monika stares right into my eyes, her unwavering smile still persisting. “Perhaps you’d like to share as well. You know, to set an example!”

 _Urk._ I literally _just_ mentioned that it can be uncomfortable to share that level of writing so unexpectedly.

After a few moments of silence, Monika suddenly sits up.

“Well, how about this for an idea? Let’s all write a poem of our own to share for our next meeting!”

“Actually… that _does_ sound like a good idea,” I nod in agreement. “We should start finding activities we can all participate in together.”  
“I _did_ decide to take on the responsibility of Vice President, after all… I should be taking a more active role in this club.”

“And seeing as how we have a new member,” I look over to Emuci with a smile, “It seems like the most logical step forward.”

_Look at me go! I’m on a roll!_

“Hang on,” they raise their hand, “there’s still one problem; I never actually agreed to join this club!”

Hearing that sends a startling jolt through me, as if someone had dropped a plate of fine china. _You…  you wouldn’t leave us, would you…?_

“O-Oh…” I sigh dejectedly, “I’m sorry, I just thought…”

If Emuci doesn’t join us, then…

Monika takes a deep breath. “I suppose I should be blunt with you, Emuci. We need four members to form an official club.”

“And, well, I was really hoping you’d be our fourth…” she laments, tangible sadness in her voice.

Emuci looks back at us with an expression of uncertainty. _Please… We need this…_

“…right,” they nod briefly before turning to face Monika, “I’ve decided; I’m going to join the literature club.”

_Y-You will?!_

“You really mean that, Emuci?” Monika asks.

“Sure; it could be fun, right?”

“You really did scare me for a moment, Emuci…” I say with relief. _You don’t know how much this means to us, Emuci; you’ve literally saved the club._

Natsuki folds her arms, giving Emuci a slight scowl. “If you’d left after all of this, I would’ve been super pissed…”

“Well, I think that means we can finish on a good note!” Monika beams. “Everyone, your task is to write a poem to share tomorrow!”  
Goodness, this is exciting! We have a new member, we’re now an official club, and we’re finally getting around to official club business. I can hardly wait for tomorrow; I have a feeling things are going to be a lot different from now on.

With the meeting adjourned, everyone starts to head out. _But before I go home, there’s one stop I want to make…_


	5. Opaque

Thanks to Emuci deciding to join the literature club, I’m filled with a new sense of purpose. Previously, my title of “Vice President” wasn’t much more than symbolic; however, as an official club, my role has some significance. Even if they don’t realize it, they’ve given me something to strive for.

_With that said, it only feels right for me to return the favour._

I start to make my way towards downtown, a slight spring in my step. Emuci might not have an established interest in reading, but maybe I can help them with that…

A peaceful breeze carelessly dances through the trees, tickling the leaves and producing a pleasant shimmering sound. It’s still not too late in the day; the sky is dyed a rich blue, the colour only brought out more by the absence of clouds.

Before long, I arrive at my destination: a large bookshop I often visit in my own time.

But today, I’m on a mission.

I want to take a bit more responsibility in regards to my obligations towards the club, and that includes helping our newest member feel a bit more at ease; what better way to get them into the spirit than to introduce them to a new novel? I’m sure they’ll enjoy the story I have in mind for them, and perhaps receiving a gift will make them think of the club with more fondness.

As soon as I walk through the doors, I’m greeted by the comforting scents of the place: the curious smell of freshly printed pages, mixed with a faint hint of coffee from the shop’s small café. But I don’t want to get too distracted, lest I forget what I’m here for.

Despite the size of the shop, it’s relatively quiet here. Although I suppose that’s not _too_ surprising; it’s the early evening of a normal weekday. _But why does it feel… off…?_

Shaking my head, I march past various aisles housing various genres until I reach the furthest shelf back. Perusing the books, I run the back of my finger against their spines, noting the rhythm as I slide across them. Eventually, I find what I’m looking for: a large, leather-bound book titled _P **ort** rait of M **ark** ov_.

With a tentative hand, I reach out and take the book. I’ve read it cover to cover more times than I can remember; it’s an enrapturing story that I can always count on to satiate the thrill-seeking side of me. If there’s anything I could pick to get someone into reading, this would be it. It’ll make the perfect gift for our new club member.

_Will Emuci enjoy this…?_

_Yes… I’m sure they will… someone as **open and understanding as them** would surely be delighted. And they’d see how **kind and compassionate I am…**_

My grip tightens on the book.

_And **we’ll have a wonderful time together…**_

_…eh? Where am I going with this?_

Shaking my head, I try to quell my thoughts. I’m overthinking this, surely. Emuci will love the gift, and Monika should be happy to see that I’m taking my role in the club seriously.

I take the book over to the front counter and pay, then start heading home.

_Don’t worry, Yuri… Everythi **n** g’s g **o** ing **t** o be fine…_

…

 

“ _Tadaima…_ ”

I don’t know why I bother to announce my return these days; I’ve lived alone for years at this point. Perhaps there’s still some part of me that wants to hear a cheerful voice call back.

“…”

Silence.

Sighing, I remove my blazer and hang it up on a hook behind the door. Part of me yearns for companionship. Maybe a pet would be good for me?

A couple of years ago, I visited a nearby shelter to try and find a cat. I almost immediately became infatuated with a loveable calico; without hesitation it leapt into my arms and started purring. However, since the facility was about to close, I couldn’t leave with it right then; with determination, I decided I’d go back the next day for it.

Unfortunately, I arrived just in time to see someone else sign to take it away. It makes sense; I’m some sort of cosmic plaything, where my hopes are raised only to be dashed soon after. If there’s someone behind the scenes, I imagine they’re cackling with schadenfreude.

At the end of the day, it’s probably a good thing I don’t have something else to look after. I can barely look after myself most days. I like to tell myself I’m an independent adult, but…

_Oh. Oh no…_

I look down at my sleeve, instantly reminded of what I’d done earlier. Despite the cuts not being too deep, my shirt was stained an unsightly brownish-red. Although I’d somehow managed to avoid dirtying my blazer, my shirt was now completely ruined.

_I should take care of this now…_

I rush to the kitchen and twist the tap to the sink. Peeling my sleeve off of my arm, I start to rinse off the dried blood.

“A-Ah…”

The cool water reopens the cuts, lighting up my arm with a jarring stinging sensation. I have to be thorough, though. _Maybe this will teach me to properly prepare for next time._

Once I’m satisfied, I gently pat my wounds dry, then start dressing them. I’ve gotten quite adept at wrapping my own bandages one-handed; soon, the previously unsightly scars are covered up, as if blanketed by a serene snowfall.

_There… That should be good…_

…

Before I know it, it’s dark outside, and I still haven’t written a poem to share with Emuci and the others.

Pulling out a chair, I sit down at my deck and open up my notebook to a blank page. Pen in hand, I start writing:

**Wisp**

_When weary flashes of darkened skies_

_Skate across my smoky eyes,_

_I can always count on you._

_Should dismal daydreams float on by,_

_Like the misplaced schedule of a lost fly,_

_I know you’ll be there._

_If I should shoot awake tonight,_

_Eyelids snapped open in fright,_

_I’d want you to sing to me._

_If I’m left on the floor,_

_I’d hope you’d hesitate in the door,_

_Please don’t leave me._

I tap at the page with my pen. I’m not sure if this piece would be well received by the other club members; the meaning behind it would probably be totally lost.

_Then what should I go with instead…?_

Turning the page, I start to write again.

_The tendrils of my hair illuminate beneath the amber glow…_

I haven’t allowed myself to be vulnerable around anyone for a long time. As a coping mechanism, I shut people out before I had the opportunity to be hurt by them. Perhaps one day, I’ll be able to lower my guard.

_The light flickers. I flicker back._

Satisfied with the new poem, I snap my notebook shut.

_I wonder what the others will think of it in tomorrow’s meeting…_


	6. Retaliation

The day seems to skate on by without much happening. Despite this, I can’t help but feel like there’s something… amiss. If I had to put it into words, I suppose I’d describe it as a dull ache in the back of my head, rolling around like a chipped marble.

_Hopefully, going to the literature club today will help me feel a bit better._

The weight of my bag on my shoulder is comforting, reminding me of the wonderful times that are sure to come. I’m not sure how receptive Emuci will be to my gift, but… perhaps I can provide a bit of… encouragement.

**_~~I don’t know what I’d do if they didn’t like it.~~ _ **

Suddenly, my ankle is caught on something, causing me to fly forward ungracefully. As I land on my bandaged arm, I reflexively take in a sharp breath.

_Ouch… what happened…?_

“Looks like you were right! She’s so top-heavy that she can’t even walk properly!”

A sinister voice snickers above me, evidently reveling in my misfortune. _Did she… trip me?_

_Wait… “top-heavy”? Are they…_

I feel my face blazing in embarrassment as I try to make myself as small as possible, hoping that they’ll leave me alone.

“Oh? And what do we have here?”

Peeking out, I see my assailant picking up… _my gift for Emuci?!_

_My bag must’ve come unlatched as I fell…!_

“P-Please…” I whimper, my lip quivering, “Don’t take that from me…”

“Oh?” she sneers, “well, I just wanted to take a look at this… _Portrait of Markov_? Geez, could you make it sound any more pretentious?”

I want to defend myself, but I can’t bring myself to vocalize those thoughts. All I can do is stare back at her, my hands shaking with nerves.

“But if you want it back…”

She takes the book and holds it between her thighs, clasping it tightly between her legs.

“It’s right here; come and get it!”

“E-Eh?! B-B-B-“

Turning around, I see we’re not alone; another girl, presumably her friend, is trying very hard to hold back laughter, holding her mobile phone out in front of her.

“The group chat’s gonna _flip_ when they see _this!_ ”

_She’s… recording this?!_

Frantically, I look over my shoulder, silently screaming for someone, _anyone_ , to help.

However, nobody comes.

_Am I… really going to have to…_

A wave of dizziness washes over me, making me take a step back. My heartbeat pulses through my ears, rocking my soul with its unsteady rhythm. I can’t handle this kind of public humiliation; isn’t it enough that I’m cursed with already incredibly awful social anxiety? Must I now have people actively seeking me out to prey on me?

_It’s… not fair… why is this happening to me?_

**_~~How can they gain pleasure from acting so abhorrently?~~ _ **

The world around me seems to fade in and out of focus, but there’s a newfound sense of… drive bubbling in my chest. I don’t just want my book back anymore.

I want them to know what it feels like **_~~to be on the other side of the coin for once.~~_**

All I can see is her smug smile stretched smarmily across her face as I stride towards her. The next few moments are a bit of a blur, but her jovial expression quickly shifts to one of fear as I hook my ankle around her own and force her to the floor. Her pupils narrow as I pin her down, my arm resting against her neck.

“It’s not nice to take things that don’t belong to you…” I say as softly as my seething breaths will allow. “Why are you this way? Are you really so insecure that you need to bring everyone down to your own level?”

“H-Hey, we don’t need to freak out…”

“Ha! _Now_ you start to have a moral compass?”

**_~~The NERVE of this girl! You assault me and it’s all fine, but when someone decides they’ve had enough of your rubbish, you conveniently develop a conscience?~~ _ **

I release her, swiping my book back from the ground.

“Y-You…” the other girl stammers, backing up, “what the hell is wrong with you?!”

Before I have an opportunity to respond, the two of them run away, leaving me to ponder my actions.

_Oh…_

_Oh god… what did I just do…?_

I look around me. There’s no one else around who could’ve witnessed this, but…

What made me do that? This isn’t me at all… I know I should’ve stood up for myself, but not like _that_.  I just felt a rush of adrenaline coursing through me, then I was tackling her, and I… I _threatened_ her…

_I… I don’t like this…_

Quickening my pace, I start to head towards the literature club. _Hopefully today’s meeting will help restore a sense of normalcy…_


	7. Hollow

When I step into the clubroom, I notice that I’m not the first to arrive; Natsuki is staring out of the window, resting the side of her head on her closed fist. Monika, on the other hand, is humming to herself whilst she writes something down in her notebook. It seems as though neither have noticed me come in.

I almost say something, but decide against it. I suppose all that really matters is that I’m here before Emuci. After all, it wouldn’t look very good if the club’s vice president showed up late, would it?

Before I can ponder that any further, the door slides open again, revealing…

“Hi again, Emuci!”

Monika beams, skipping right on past me to greet them. _Did she not see me standing here?”_

“Glad to see you didn’t run away on us!”

Emuci shrugs. “Nah, don’t worry; even if this might be a bit strange, I do keep my word.”

_I feel like I should say something…_

Clearing my throat to get their attention, I turn to face Emuci. “Thanks for keeping your promise; I hope this isn’t too overwhelming of a commitment for you.”

_Oh gosh… I really hope that didn’t sound as condescending as I think it does…_

“Making you dive headfirst into this sort of thing…” I continue, doing my best to give them a reassuring smile.

“Oh, come on!” Natsuki shouts from across the room, “like they deserve any slack!”

**_~~Natsuki, please… the adults are talking…~~ _ **

She strides up to Emuci, pointing out towards them.

“You already had to be dragged here by Monika. I don’t know if you plan to just come here and hang out or whatever, but…”

Natsuki does her best to appear intimidating. Despite this, Emuci isn’t moved at all.

“If you don’t take us seriously, then you won’t see the end of it.”

“My, Natsuki,” Monika laughs, “you certainly have a big mouth for someone who keeps a manga collection in the clubroom.”

“M-M-!”

_Well, that certainly ** ~~put her in her place.~~**_

_…that was a bit hostile, wasn’t it…?_

“Manga is Literature!” she yells defiantly, before stomping off in a huff and plopping down back in her seat.

Is manga literature? I personally haven’t found anything interesting about it, but **_~~that’s probably because it’s a mockery of storytelling. You’d really need to be delusional to compare that sort of drivel to the sophisticated stories I enjoy.~~_**

“I’m sorry, Emuci…” I apologize on Natsuki’s behalf, “We’ll make sure to put your comfort first, okay?”

I glance over at Natsuki with disapproval, but she doesn’t seem to be paying attention.

“A-Anyway,” I turn back to Emuci, “now that you’re in the club and all… perhaps you might have interest in picking up a book to read?”

_Now’s my chance._

“Well…” Emuci scratches the back of their head, “I can’t really say no either way. Like you said, I’m in this club now, so it only feels right for me to do something like that if you ask me to.

“W-Wait…”

_That wasn’t what I wanted to say at all! Oh, now they’re going to think I’m some sort of stuck-up busybody…_

“T-That’s not… I mean, if you really don’t want to, then forget I said anything…”

“Ah, No, it’s not like that Yuri…” they hold up their hands defensively, “I want to try and be a part of this club. So even if I don’t read often, I’d be happy to read something if you wanted me to.”

“I-Is that so…? I just felt like…”

_Like I was forcing you?_

“…Well, seeing as I’m Vice President and all, I thought I should help you get started with a novel you might enjoy.”

I unclasp my bag, and retrieve the book that I’d bought for Emuci.

“The rest of us already have things we like to read, and I wouldn’t want you feeling left out, so… h-here…”

As I hand over the book to Emuci, I feel something… strange inside of me… as if an apricot was rolling around in my stomach.

“Hopefully you’ll find it engaging. And perhaps, we could… discuss it…”

“Wow, thanks Yuri!” Emuci exclaims, their eyes glistening with gratitude, “I’ll definitely read this!”

I breathe a sigh of relief. “Well, take your time with it; a story is always better when you go at your own pace.”

Before I go back towards my seat, I look over my shoulder at Emuci.

“I look forward to hearing what you have to say about it.”

_Well, that’s settled…_

_That felt… nice…_

Smiling to myself, I take my seat and pull out my own copy of _Portrait of Markov_. Although there was a bit of a rocky start there with the others, I’m glad I was able to end things on a good note.

_Since they’re just starting the novel, I should probably go over it from the beginning as well; if they want to talk about it, I don’t want to accidentally give anything major away…_

I flip the book opening, allowing the hard cover to flop against my desk with a satisfying _clack!_

_Let’s see… what would be something I could talk about with Emuci…?_


	8. Emollient

Despite my best efforts to keep my attention on my book, I can’t stop myself from glancing up every few minutes, Is Emuci reading their copy? How far have they gotten? What’s their favourite part?

_Why am I so occupied with this? I only just gave them the book…_

I force myself to look down at the book. However, the words look increasingly foreign to me. It’s not that I don’t understand the text; I’m just anxious to talk about it with-

“A-Ah!”

For one electric moment, our eyes meet.

“S-Sorry…” Emuci shrugs shyly, “I was just spacing out for a bit.”

“O-Oh… it’s fine. If I was actually focused, I wouldn’t have noticed, but…”

I sit up properly to address them.

“I’m just re-reading a bit of this, so…”

“That’s the same book you gave me, isn’t it?” they ponder, gesturing towards my book.

_How perceptive…_

“Mhm,” I smile politely. “I just wanted to re-read it.”

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I realize how odd that must sound; I’ve already told them that I’m re-reading it, so by bringing it up again I’m going to be drawing focus to that fact, but then they’re going to wonder why I’m re-reading it, but then-

_…Deep breaths, Yuri. You’re an eloquent, sophisticated connoisseur of literature. You can approach this calmly._

“N-Not for any particular reason!” I stammer nervously.

_Smooth._

“Out of curiosity,” Emuci cocks their head towards me, “how come you had two copies of the same book?”

“A-Ah… about that…” I try to laugh off the question nonchalantly, but it comes out as more of a weird whimper. “Well, when I stopped at the bookshop yesterd-“

_No! You can’t just come out and say that! What’ll they think of you? Someone who immediately tries to butter someone up with gifts… ** ~~that’s kind of pathetic, isn’t it?~~**_

“Th-That wasn’t what I meant! I just…”

I sigh, finally managing to regain my composure.

“I just happened to buy two copies.”

“I…see…” Emuci nods. “I’ll definitely start reading it soon!”

Hearing that makes my heart skip a beat. _Their enthusiasm is really quite endearing..._

“I’m glad to hear that… once it starts to pick up, you might have a hard time putting it down; it’s really engaging and relatable!”

Emuci nods along in acknowledgement. “Oh yeah? What’s it about, anyway?”

_Oh, my! We’re already getting started! This is all happening so quickly…_

“I suppose if I had to explain it…” I rest a hand on my chin in contemplation, “it starts with a religious cult that’s a front for a prison specializing in human experimentation. The people trapped inside have a… let’s call it a ‘quirk’, that warps them into ravenous, bloodthirsty killing machines.”

I take Emuci’s silence and widened eyes to mean they’re interested, so I keep going.

“But the facility gets even worse, and they start slicing off the limbs of the prisoners and sew them onto-“

“O-Oh…” I catch myself, “th-that’s probably a spoiler… but regardless, I’m fascinated by it!”

_Wait… that’s going to make it sound like…!_

“Th-The book, I mean! N-Not the thing with, uh, the limbs…”

Before I can shove my foot any further into my mouth, Emuci cuts me off.

“I-Isn’t that… kind of dark?”

_I guess I didn’t do it any favours with that kind of description… I hope I didn’t make things a bit too intense there…_

“A-Are you not a fan of that sort of thing, Emuci?” I smile with what I can only hope is warmth and not uneasiness.

“Nah, it’s not that. I can totally enjoy stories like that; I just… wasn’t expecting something so wild from you, seeing as you’re so… quiet…”

My face flushes at the compliment. “I-I see… It’s just that this kind of story forces you to look at what you thought you knew through a different lens. When abhorrent things happen not just because one wills it, but **_~~rather because life is meaningless, and the world is just full of horrible people. And suddenlyyyyyyyyyyy………………~~_** ”

_W-What happened there? Did I just…_

“I’m… rambling now, aren’t I?” I avert my eyes, chastising myself. “I-I’m sorry…”

“H-Hey now, it’s okay!” Emuci grins, “I haven’t lost interest; if anything, I’m even more curious.”

“W-Well… I suppose that’s okay. B-But, I should warn you that when I get invested in something… **_~~my very sense of being becomes~~_** a bit lost in the moment… so please forgive me if I say anything strange!”

“And don’t hesitate to interject if I start to talk too much!”

_Why do I feel the need to keep justifying my behavior to them? We’re going to have a normal time together, as… friends? Acquaintances?_

Emuci raises their hand. “I really don’t think you need to worry about that, Yuri… it just shows you’re passionate about reading; the least I can do is listen, right?”

_How does this person know exactly the right thing to say? How can they be ** ~~so wonderful?~~**_

“In fact… I should probably get started on the book, huh?”

“Y-Yes!” I exclaim, way too eagerly. “I-I mean, if you w-want to…”

“Heh, of course I want to! Let me just get it…”

Emuci heads off to retrieve their copy. Does this mean… we’re going to be reading together?

_O-Oh gosh… already… I ** ~~can’t wait!~~**_


	9. Lamentation

“Is it alright if I sit with you?”

Emuci returns with their copy, and nonchalantly slides into the desk next to me.

“A-Ah…”

_We’re so close…_

They raise an eyebrow at me. “Are you sure? You seem a bit… on edge.”

I try to swallow my rapidly tingling nerves. “I-It’s not that I don’t want you to, it’s just… not something I’m really used to…”

Outside of the literature club, I tend to keep to myself in all areas of my life, including reading. People are scary; they might say they’re nice and smile at you, but **_~~we all know that’s a cruel façade.~~_**

“I see…” Emuci pondered. “Well, we can go at whatever pace you’re most comfortable with.”

“O-Okay…”

Emuci opens up their book and begins to read. I try to follow along in my own copy, but I can’t stop myself from peeking over at their’s. It’s like I want to live the events of the story with them… and see it through their eyes… **_~~and feel what they’re feeling…~~_**

I lean in closer, reading over their shoulder. _It’s nice to be able to share something like this with someone…_

Suddenly, they turn over to me, snapping me out of my trance.

“A-Ah! I-I’m sorry!” my face flushes, “I was j-just, um…”

_What am I supposed to say here? That I was ** ~~basking in their body heat~~**?_

“Yuri, you really don’t need to apologize so often,” they smile sweetly at me. “Here, why don’t we try this?”

They shift their desk so that it’s touching my own, and they lean into me slightly. They move the book towards the centre of our desks, but…all I can focus on is the tingly feeling in my arm where we’re touching.

With them holding the book from the right, I cradle it from the left, allowing them to flick pages over to me as they finish. They might not read as quickly as I do, but I don’t mind **_~~waiting for them… as long as it’s them…~~_**

“A-Are you ready…?” I glance over to Emuci.

“H-Huh?”

“To turn the page…”

“Oh, yeah! S-Sorry…” They chuckle bashfully, meeting my eyes.

There’s something pleasantly intimate about this… the gentle breeze of the page as they flick it towards me, tickling my fingers, contrasted to **_~~the warmth they make me feel~~_** …

The two of us continue to read through the first chapter in silence, simply letting the words carry us forward together. Whilst we haven’t gotten to some of the more… intense points, I still see their expression change ever so slightly as we proceed. _They look so stern when they’re concentrating…_

“Hey, Yuri…” they look up at me, “the protagonist reminds me of you a little bit…”

“W-What?!” I stammer, sitting back. “N-No, surely not!”

“Really?” Emuci cocks their head curiously.

“No! I don’t relate to her at all!”

The main character in this story… she might seem alright at first. But as the story progresses, it becomes more and more evident that she’s unhinged; she betrays the trust of the few naïve to believe in her, and takes any opportunity possible to further her own cause. _To be compared to someone so clearly insane…_

I feel a shrill chill roll down my spine. _There’s no way I could be like her!_

“Huh…” they shrug dejectedly, “I just thought, since she tends to overthink her actions a bit, you know?

“O-Oh… I see…” I sigh in relief, a little too forcefully. “I thought you were… referring to something else…”

_We haven’t even gotten to that part yet. Why am I even making that connection?_

“Something else?”

“N-Nothing!” I laugh uneasily.

“Yuri, are you feeling alright…?” Emuci leans back, turning to face me, “you can rest if you’re feeling poorly, I don’t mind.”

_Poorly…? What are they talking about? I ** ~~feel just fine…~~**_

“It’s just that, your breathing’s a bit…”

“E-Eh? My breathing…?”

I place a hand to my heart. I don’t know what happened, but… it’s true; my breathing is rather shallow and rapid, and my heart is beating erratically.

“I… I-I’m okay! Really!” I sputter, but they don’t look convinced. “I… I just need some water!”

Before they have a chance to respond, I quickly run out of the room and down the hall, and duck into the girls’ toilets. Reaching out with shaking hands, I turn the tap and cup the icy water to my face.

I look up at the mirror. An unnerved girl with narrow eyes looks back.

“W-What…  What’s happening to me…?”

I splash more water on my face. Again. Again. My heartbeat ricochets around inside my skull, making me lightheaded.

_Is it… okay to feel this way…?_

_Deep breaths…_

Although it’s true that I haven’t read with someone else before… is this really how that should make me feel? So jumpy… so nervous…so…

**_~~Alive.~~ _ **

… _No… I’m just… not used to reading with others… yeah…_

Drying off my face, I take another look in the mirror.

_It’s okay, Yuri… it’ll be okay… just… deep breaths… you’re in control…_


	10. Palliative

My footsteps echo through the quiet hallway as I make my way back towards the literature club. Stray strands of wet hair stick to my forehead, although I don’t mind; if anything, it’s somewhat soothing. I don’t know what came over me earlier, but… something about spending time with Emuci like that just made me feel…

_Good? Is that the right word? Did it feel good? Or was it just… different?_

In any case, I think I’m feeling a bit better now; perhaps I can apologize to them for acting a bit awkwardly around them. As Vice President, I wouldn’t want to **_~~scare them off~~_**.

Taking a deep, grounding breath, I slide the door open to the clubroom.

“Yuri!” Monika calls out towards me, a big smile on her face. In front of her stands Emuci, holding a loose sheet of paper.

“I-I’m back…” I sigh shyly. “Was there anything important that happened in my absence?”

“Well, I suppose we all started sharing our poems with each other, so…”

_Wait… she started things off without me? Isn’t that ** ~~just inconsiderate?~~**_

“O-Oh…” I look off to the side, disappointed in myself. “Please excuse my tardiness…”

 _The first proper club meeting, and I’m already setting a bad example. Emuci is ** ~~probably going to hate me now~~**_ …

“That’s quite alright, Yuri!” Monika laughs, “We’ve still got tons of time, so don’t feel like you have to cut things too short, okay?”

“W-Well… alright. Thank you for being so understanding, Monika.”

I bow politely, and head over to my belongings to retrieve the poem I had written for today. Once Monika’s finished with Emuci, I’ll take my chance to show them a piece **_~~no one else here could even hope to compare to.~~_**

_Although in the meantime, I could share with Natsuki…?_

**_~~No… I have to make sure my attention is held for Emuci.~~ _ **

After a few moments, Monika **_~~finally~~_** leaves, and Emuci starts walking towards me.

“Hey,” they say, brandishing their poem, “how’re you feeling?”

“A-A bit better, I suppose…”

“That sounds cool!” they smile, as if they didn’t hear anything I’d just said. “Anyway, would you like to read my poem?”

_That’s… did they just ignore me?_

**_~~…oh, what does it matter? All I care about is that they’re talking to me now.~~ _ **

I clear my throat, and hold out my hand expectantly. They proudly present me with their poem.

_Let’s see what we have here…_

**Hidden**

_Insidious_

_Harrowing_

_Apparition_

_Traipsing_

_Erratically_

_Yonder_

_Our_

_Ultimatum_

 

_My word… this poem… it’s…_

“…Exceptional.”

“Hmm?” Emuci cocks their head to the side. “Did you say something?”

_Wait…_

“D-Did I say that aloud?”

I retreat into the safe haven of my hair in a vain attempt to hide my chagrin.

 _Why can’t I just be someone ** ~~normal like~~**_ -

“Yuri? It’s okay, you didn’t really do anything wrong…”

I look back over to them, gazing into their warm, comforting eyes.

“I-I guess that’s true… I really shouldn’t be getting this nervous, should I?”

_Deep breaths… Everything’s okay, Yuri… You’re in control…_

This is the kind of thing I wanted, wasn’t it? Being able to meet someone on the same level of literary comprehension as myself? It’s a crime that we hadn’t met until just yesterday… how could I not notice someone so gifted?

“Well, Emuci,” I look back down at their poem, “it’s clear you have written a lot of poetry in the past. What sort of experience do you have?”

“Eh?” they raise an eyebrow. “That’s a compliment coming from you, but I’m afraid this is actually the first time I’ve written something like this…”

_What._

How is that possible? I’ve spent literal years perfecting my writing style. Is it possible that was all for naught? There’s no way they could have produced something like this deliberately if they truly have never done personal creative writing; but in a way, does that make it somewhat more charming? If this is the sort of thing they can write when they’re _not_ trying…

“W-Well, I know that!” I say defiantly. “I-It’s just… um…”

I glance back at the poem, running over each word with my finger. _There’s got to be something in here I can talk about in further detail… how could I possibly hope to impress them if I flat-out admit they’re already past the learning stage?_

After a short while, I piece together what I want to say.

“Yes… See, right here?” I gesture towards the third line of the poem, “this is how I could tell. New writers tend to follow certain patterns in an attempt to make their style very deliberate.”  
“Whilst your poem is certainly well-written, I get the impression that you’ve tried to piece together an idea with a style that you thought would draw attention. As a result, both your message and your expression are a little inhibited.”

They nod along, giving me the cue to continue.

“Naturally, that’s not your fault. I’m confident that during your time with us, your skills as a budding poet will flourish beautifully. Especially by looking at the styles of everyone else here. Although… **_~~when it comes to that, I think Natsuki can be somewhat biased…~~_** ”

“Biased? How so?”

“U-Uh…”

_Where did that come from? That wasn’t very nice, was it…?_

“N-Never mind. I shouldn’t really be talking about people behind their backs like that. Do forgive me…”

Emuci shrugs. “Don’t worry about it, Yuri. Would you mind if I took a look at your poem now?”

 _That_ gets my attention. “Please do!” I beam, handing them my piece, “I’d love to go over my thought process with you…”

I watch as their eyes scan the page, going back and forth like a typewriter. They furrow their brow, as though deep in thought.

_Aren’t they… taking a bit longer than normal to go through it?_

“I…I’m sorry that my handwriting is so appalling!” I apologize pre-emptively, hoping to soften their incoming criticism.

“Huh?” they gasp, shocked. “That’s not how I’d describe it at all… in fact, I’d say your handwriting’s really quite pretty.”

_Pretty… they called it pretty…_

My cheeks flush at the compliment. “I… I’m glad you think so…”

“Also, your poem was good too; I liked that it was so descriptive, even if it was on the shorter side.”

“I’m delighted that you liked it… I thought I’d try something a bit on the shorter side for my first public piece; I usually write longer poems, you see.”

“Are you into ghosts, Yuri?” they say, not stopping to ponder my last point.

Nevertheless, I laugh under my breath. I’ve been given the opportunity to talk about my piece in more detail, and I’m not going to let that slip by.

“Actually Emuci, the piece isn’t about ghosts at all. Remember that poets will often use words to give life to their own thoughts and feelings. There’s more at work here than telling a simple story; a powerful metaphor can be game-changing. Perhaps in the subject of this poem,” I nod towards my page, “the subject is being _compared_ to a ghost; a poor soul unable to let go of their past.”

“I hadn’t even thought about it that way… that’s impressive, Yuri!”

_They’re… impressed with me?_

Internally I try to fight between being delighted to receive such praise, and downplaying their words so as to not come off as full of myself.

“I-It’s really nothing!” I stammer, “Y-Yours was impressive as well, so…”

“No, I really mean it! I could probably learn something from you.”

“…Y-you really think so?”

“Well, sure.”

_How do they know exactly what to say?_

“…Th-thank you, Emuci. I must admit that I was rather nervous before coming in today. But now? I’m glad I did this. I’ll keep doing my best for you…”

“Ah…” they grin, a light blush painted across their face. “Me too. Thanks for sharing, Yuri!”

Emuci returns to their desk, and picks up their bag. As they open it up, something small and shiny drops out, and rolls towards me unceremoniously with a light clacking.

_What’s this…?_

I reach down to retrieve the object. Upon closer inspection, it’s a sleek, black pen.

_I should probably return this to Emuci…_

Reaching my hand out to say something, I instead stop myself short.

They probably wrote their poem with this pen, right? And if they were able to produce something like that on their first attempt, then…

**_~~It’ll be just like they’re helping me write something, won’t it? That’ll be… nice…~~ _ **

Discreetly, I slip Emuci’s pen into the pocket of my blazer. There’s nothing that stands out too much about it, so I doubt they’ll miss it.

_Right, well, that’s taken care of… was there anything else important to do today?_


	11. Neurotic

I think today was rather successful; Emuci enjoyed my poem, even **_~~if Monika was getting in the way there.~~_**

Since this is sort of our club’s first official meeting, I doubt we’ll have much else to-

“Uh, Yuri?”

Behind me, I hear someone clearing their throat.

“D’you wanna, uh…”

Natsuki is standing **_~~beneath~~_** me, her outstretched hand barely holding onto a flimsy sheet of paper.

_How’d I forget to share with Natsuki? Come to think of it, I didn’t share anything with Monika either…_

“O-Oh, of course…” I say, exchanging her paper with my own. Who knows; perhaps her poetry will defy expectations.

_“Eagles can fly”… well, that’s true; they can indeed fly. But…_

I suppose I should at least give her _some_ credit; she’s at least made an attempt to be part of the club, **_~~even if it is a laughable example~~_**.

“What’re you trying to…” she mumbles under her breath.

“E-Excuse me?” I look up from the paper in front of me. Natsuki blinks, as though unaware that she’d said that out loud.

“Oh, it’s nothing…” she slaps my poem down on a nearby desk. “I guess your poem’s… fancy…”

Was that intended to be a compliment or a jab? **_~~I wouldn’t be surprised if it were the latter; you can’t comprehend anything past basic language, so you take it out on others?~~_**

“Th-Thanks…” I smile plaintively, “yours is… cute…”

“Cute?” she raises an eyebrow, taking on a combative stance. “Did you not even notice what I was trying to express? It’s _obviously_ about giving up! How can _that_ be cute?”

_Oh dear, that wasn’t what I wanted to happen…_

“O-Of course, I just…” I look off to the side, “I wanted to say something nice…”

“You have to try _that_ hard to think of something nice to say?” she huffs, her attitude **_~~diminished by her stature~~_**. “You need to work on your phrasing, because it didn’t sound nice at all!”

“Well, perhaps you’d like to hear some constructive criticisms…”

“Ohoho, nope,” Natsuki growls, “I would’ve asked someone who could appreciate this kind of writing if I wanted suggestions. Someone like Emuci; in fact, I think _I’ve_ got a few things I could teach _you_.”

**_~~Sit down, little girl.~~ _ **

“Forgive me, but my style has been refined over a significant period of time; unless I come across something particularly inspiring, I highly doubt that will change.”

“Are you saying…!” her face flushes with frustration.

“Oh, and by the way; Emuci enjoyed my poem too. They even said they were impressed by it.

For a moment, Natsuki is silent. However, she suddenly turns to me with a **_~~sickeningly~~_** smug expression.

“Wow, Yuri!” she scoffs, “I wasn’t aware that you were so invested in impressing Emuci!”

“W-What?” I gasp, “Y-You know that wasn’t what I…”

_No… that’s the sort of reaction she wants… deep breath, Yuri…_

“Perhaps the fact that Emuci appreciates my advice more than yours has made you bitter!”

Natsuki rolls her eyes. “Oh, is that right? How can you be so sure? Are you really _that_ stuck up?”

_Deep… breath…_

“N-No… if I were…” I glance down at her, “I’d probably put way too much effort into appearing cutesy, like one of your **_~~insufferable~~_** manga characters!”

“Y-Y’know what?” she stamps her foot, “at least I didn’t start stuffing my bra as soon as Emuci joined!”

“N-Natsuki!”

A burning blush blazes across my face. How could she say something so inappropriate?!

“Natsuki…” Monika strides over sheepishly, “I think that’s a bit out of-“

“Stay in your lane, Monika!” Natsuki yells back, interrupting her.

_Okay, so that’s how we’re going to play, is it?_

**_~~Deep breath…~~ _ **

“My goodness… taking out your own insecurities on others; **_~~you really are a child, aren’t you?”~~_**

“Are you kidding me?!” she shouts, her eyes flaring with rage, “Are you really going to try giving me a lecture about my character, you wannabe edgy bitch?!”

“E-Edgy…? I apologize if my lifestyle is too mature for someone **_~~of your mental age.~~_** ”

Natsuki gestures towards me wildly. “Am I the only one seeing this?! Most people learn to get over themselves after Middle school!”

“If you want to be taken seriously, don’t try to bring others down to your level! Acting like **_~~a precious pink princess~~_** can only go so far in masking your **_~~toxicity!~~_** ””

I point out towards her, ready to deliver my finishing blow.

“The only thing cute about you, Natsuki, is **_~~how hard you try.~~_** ”

Surprisingly, she doesn’t get angry at that. Instead, she defiantly places a hand on her hip with an ugly smirk.

“Whoa, watch out Yuri, or you might end up cutting yourself on that edge.”

Opening a single eye, she points right back at me.

“Oh, forgive me… you already _do_ don’t you?”

_Did… did she really…_

“Are you accusing me of cutting?! What the **_~~fuck~~_** is wrong with your head?!”

“I’m not hearing a denial!” she extends a hand away from her, “Why not enlighten all of us? I’m _sure_ Emuci will be positively _smitten_ once they know the truth!

I turn to see Emuci standing close by, watching this fiasco unfold. _Oh… Oh no… how long have they been there…?_

“E-Emuci!” I plea desperately, “S-She’s just trying to make me look bad!”

“No way! She started it!

Emuci turns back and forth between the two of us, as if trying to decide who to believe. However, before they have a chance to speak up, Monika steps between us.

“Ahaha… Emuci…” Monika says awkwardly, “I think it’d perhaps be for the best if we went outside for a short while… is that okay?”

_No! What are you trying to pull, Monika?!_

Without giving either of us a chance to protest, she quickly whisks Emuci out of the classroom, leaving just myself and…

“You…” I clench my fist tightly by my side, trying my best to hold in my fury. “You really don’t know when to stop, do you?”

“Y-Yuri…?” Natsuki’s expression rapidly shifts from argumentative to disconcerted. She takes a careful step backwards, but I immediately close the distance between us.

“ ** _ ~~Are you seriously so deluded that you think anyone wants to hear what you have to say? The only friends you have are those in your pathetic fantasies!~~_** ”

I slam my fist down on the desk next to me. Natsuki flinches noticeably, her pupils narrowing in fear.

“ ** _ ~~You’re an insignificant pest whose only purpose is to give those with good fortune something to compare themselves to.”~~_**

“Y-Yuri… p-please…”

“ ** _ ~~Is something wrong, Natsuki? You can hurt others just fine, but when it’s turned back on you? Have you ever actually been hurt, Natsuki?”~~_**

Her eyes start to fill with glassy tears, but **_~~I can’t bring myself to stop.~~_**

“ ** _ ~~Is your ego so bruised that you have to lash out at others? Or perhaps… that’s not the only thing that’s bruised…”~~_**

“…”

“ ** _ ~~Here’s some advice for you; you’re punching way above your league. Beat it, before you embarrass yourself any further.”~~_**

At this point, Natsuki can no longer hold back her tears. Sniffling, she bolts out of the classroom, leaving me alone in the cacophonous silence.

_My god… what have I done…?_


	12. Obstinate

Collapsing into my desk, I bury my head in my hands. I don’t know what came over me; everything just felt so blurry and full of hate, and…

_I did a bad thing. I did a bad thing. I did a bad thing._

I start rocking back and forth in my seat, an instinctual response to assuage one’s discomfort. But I said some truly awful things no one should ever have to hear; there’s no way I’ll be on speaking terms with Natsuki anymore. What’s worse, she might now be afraid of me and as such, decide to leave the club. Without her, we’d be back down to three members, and consequently we’d disband. All because I let my emotions get the better of me.

“I-I didn’t mean it…” I dither, the guilt crushing me like an orange in a vice. “I didn’t mean it… I didn’t mean it…”

“…Yuri?”

“I didn’t mean it!”

I turn towards the sound of the voice to see Emuci and Monika. _When did they come back… how much did they see…?_

Emuci raises their hands defensively. “W-Woah, I believe you…”

_And now I’ve really convinced Emuci this isn’t a good place to stay._

“E-Emuci…” I stand up, grabbing their shoulder with a shaky hand. As I touch them, I feel the nerves spike through my arms like crackling cables left untethered. “Please don’t hate me… I beg you! I-I’m not normally like this!”

“It’s okay, Yuri,” Monika pipes up, “we know you didn’t mean it.”

“Besides,” she almost seems to roll her eyes, a delicate smile playing across her face, “I’m sure Natsuki will forget all about it by tomorrow. Completely.”

I know she’s trying to make me feel better, but lying to my face isn’t going to help. I’ve ruined things with one of my only frie- well, acquaintances might be more accurate… but the point still stands. There’s no way Natsuki will forget what happened just now.

“Anyway,” Monika nods towards the doorway, “today’s meeting’s over, so you can go home now.”

My gaze shifts over to Emuci briefly. I can’t let them go without at the very least trying to explain things.

“T-That’s okay, Monika… there’s something I want to do here still, so…”

“That’s no good, Yuri!” she jovially replies, placing a hand on her hip. “I’m the president, so it’s only fitting that I’m the one closing up shop. You just take care of whatever it is you need to do; I’ll wait in the back for you.”

_No… ** ~~I don’t trust you being alone with Emuci… what poisonous thoughts might you fill their head with without me present to defend myself?~~**_

There’s an awkward silence as Monika **_~~refuses to take the hint.~~_**

“I-I’m afraid I must insist… I’m _Vice_ President, so… allow me to take care of that for today.”

“Yuri,” Monika’s gaze suddenly becomes stern, “forgive me, but it sounds like you’re trying to get rid of me.”

“N-No! Not at all!” I stammer, attempting to look anywhere but into her piercing eyes, “I just… was hoping to discuss my book a bit more with Emuci… it’d be embarrassing to have you **_~~listening in on us~~_** …”

 Monika sighs with frustration.

“I suppose I can’t really do anything about that, can I?

_Oh no… please don’t hate me as well, Monika… I can’t take that…_

“P-Please don’t take this the wrong way… I could just… really use a sense of normalcy after today…”

“Fine,” she tuts, “why not?”

Without letting me apologize further, she pivots on her heel and strides out of the doorway.

_Now ** ~~it’s just you and me, Emuci…~~**_

“What did you want to talk about, Yuri?” Emuci asks politely.

“I… how much of that did you hear just now?”

“Uh…” they ponder for a moment, “nothing, to be honest. I just stood outside with Monika, then Natsuki ran out crying, and here we are now.”

_Neither of them stopped Natsuki? That means it’s unlikely she’s still in the school…_

“I-I see…”

I take a deep breath in, hoping to quell my overactive insecurities. “P-Please believe me when I say I truly regret what I said to Natsuki… “

“Relax, Yuri; I already said I trusted you. Now, about that book-“

“I swear that’s not me!” I continue, “just, in the moment… all I could see was red, a-and…”

“Seriously, Yuri, It’s fine. What chapter-“

“Y-You don’t think I’m a bad person, do you?”

“Not at all,” they smile back at me. “What did you think of the part wh-“

“…that’s good to hear. I-I was just hoping to clarify things a bit… “

Suddenly, Emuci looks off to the side, then back to me.

“Well, I’d love to stay and talk about the book with you more, but I should think about heading home. But maybe some other time, yeah?”

“W-Wait…”

“Bye, Yuri!” they wave at me enthusiastically before taking their leave.

_…what just happened?_

_They just took everything I said in stride, and played it off like it was nothing…_

**_~~How charismatic…~~ _ **

Emuci was really quite kind to stay behind and allow me to **_~~get the last word in.~~_** Although I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m just putting off the inevitable. Tomorrow I’m either going to have to approach Natsuki and pray for her forgiveness, or I’ll have to face Monika’s disappointment in Natsuki’s absence.

At the very least, Emuci seems to be on my side. Perhaps they could help me talk to Natsuki tomorrow? Or is that just wishful thinking?

Shaking my head, I sigh. _Is Monika right? Will Natsuki really be able to bury the hatchet so quickly? I’m not so sure…_

_But I guess I’ll find out. For now, I should probably think about going home myself…_

Carefully lifting my bag over my shoulder, I pass through the doors and out into the stiff atmosphere of the hallway.

_Please forgive me, Natsuki… I really didn’t mean it…_


	13. Baroque

The walk home is eerily quiet. It’s not like I usually traipse through a festival of livelihood on a day-to-day basis or anything, but… the silence after such a fierce display earlier is disconcerting. All I can hear are my limp footsteps dragging along the dusty ground, accompanied every so often by the faint rustling of some leaves.

I’m not sure whether to be relieved that I’m no longer in such a harrowing position, or petrified for what might come tomorrow. The looming fear makes each step heavy, as though I’m wading through maple syrup.

_I really messed up… I shouldn’t have been so vitriolic…_

**_~~Even if she started it by stooping to ad hominem? She deserves any lingering pain from that argument.~~ _ **

_That might be true, but… I should have at least tried to stay civil._

**_~~Although… I can’t deny that I felt some sort of rush…~~ _ **

I shake my head. What’s wrong with me? Do other people act out arguments with themselves in their mind? Or am I just so devoid of social skills that I don’t know when I’ve gone too far until I’ve already vaulted past the line in the sand?

_Hopefully at the very least, I can reflect on things at home…_

I fumble with my keys at the door, jangling the loose collection of shiny coils until I find the right one. With a procedural * _Click!_ *, I turn the handle and walk through the door, allowing it to close by itself.

Hanging up my bag behind the door, I hazily wander over to the settee in the living room and flop down onto it. The authoritarian ticking of a nearby clock grates against me, making my loneliness more obvious as each second goes by.

Without anyone around me, I cup my head in my hands, weeping through gritted teeth.

_I… I’m such a ** ~~fuck up…~~** how can I expect things to go back to normal tomorrow? ** ~~I’ve already destroyed everything…~~**_

_There’s no way I can repent for this… ** ~~but I can try…~~**_

Reaching into my pocket, my fingers explore, looking for-

_Ah!_

I brush against something much thinner than the object I was looking for. I grip the smooth, slender object and pull it out, revealing…

**_~~Emuci’s pen…~~ _ **

Rotating the delicate pen around in my hands, I can feel my anxieties starting to fade away immediately, even if just a small amount. I suppose I can at least take _some_ comfort in the fact that Emuci still **_~~appreciates me for who I am.~~_** ~~~~

_It really is quite a nice pen…_

The simplicity of the utensil is quite grounding; having it here with me almost feels like Emuci is right beside me, telling me that everything is going to be okay.

_Everything is going to be okay…_

**_~~Everything will work out in the end.~~ _ **

For a few minutes, I just sit there with the pen in my hand. I wipe a stray tear from my cheek, and let out a deep sigh.

This is nice, isn’t it? Just the two of us, together. But maybe there’s something more that we can do… maybe I can hear some of their poetry right here, in my home.

Without hesitation, I sprint up the stairs and to my bedroom, scooping up fresh sheets of paper at my desk. As I’m about to make the first stroke, I hesitate.

_Is this okay…? Aren’t I getting a bit ahead of myself here?_

_… ** ~~oh, who cares? I’m at home, I’m just having a little bit of fun.~~**_

With purpose, I press the pen against the page.

**Wonder**

_Misplaced Elation,_

_Train station,_

_Waiting for my bar’s patron,_

_Looping Sky,_

_Silent eye,_

_Blinking as memories pass on by,_

_Soul of steel,_

_Repressed repeal,_

_Sudden stop, a rotating wheel…_

I was right; this _is_ fun. But as I keep going, I can’t retain the style I was originally hoping to follow.

_Turning an axle. Grinding. Bolthead. Linear Gearbox…Seven holy stakes…A prayer written in blood… God disproving the existence of God._

A strange feeling bubbles in my chest; I’m not sure how to describe it, but I simultaneously feel calm and breathless, as if I have to actively chase down my serenity. All I know now is that **_~~I can’t stop writing.~~_**

_Forty gears and a ticking clock. A clock that ticks one second for every rotation of the planet. A clock that ticks forty times every time it ticks a second time…_

The only thing on my mind now is connecting the last thought with something else, anything to keep the flow of words coming. Nothing else matters, **_~~as long as I can make poetry with Emuci.~~_**

_Breathing Gearbox. Breathing portal. Breathing snakes… Breathing Blood… Breathing human eyes. Breathing time… Breathing Wheel._

As I finish the line, I drop the pen. It’s only now that I notice my hands are shaking. With anticipation? With Nerves? Or is it simply a primal response to **_~~doing something so intimate with them…?~~_**

I quickly stand up from my desk, but a sudden wave of lightheadedness hits me, making me stumble back. Did I forget to eat? How long was I writing for?

**_~~Does it matter? As long as I got to spend time with Emuci by proxy…~~ _ **

_No… this isn’t healthy… I need to take care of myself._

More slowly this time, I get up and head back downstairs. Even if I have to force myself, I need to eat something. Otherwise I’ll fall ill, and I won’t be able **_~~to see Emuci…~~_**

_Why… why are they all I can think about? Where did this feeling come from?_

_…and why am I not doing anything to stop it?_


	14. Obfuscate

The loose leaves littered across the ground stir slightly as I walk to school. A coy breeze playfully flits around me, tousling my hair and tickling my neck. It’s really quite picturesque; I wish I could take a moment to enjoy it.

However, there have been several things weighing on my mind since yesterday. What’s the club meeting later going to be like? Will Natsuki really be okay? Will Monika try to diffuse the tension?

_Will Emuci still be there…?_

A few rebellious butterflies swirl around my stomach at the thought of their absence.

_I… I can’t think things like that…_

I slip my hand into the pocket of my blazer, feeling for Emuci’s pen. Just touching it is comforting in a way; as I roll it back and forth between my thumb and forefinger, my mind feels clearer. At least, I think it does…

_Their pen between my fingers… it’s almost like we’re holding hands…_

Passing by the other **_~~unimportant~~_** faces around the school grounds, I think about the day ahead of me. I’m really not that enthused about my upcoming classes; all they do is **_~~keep me away from the literature club~~_**.

_I wonder what Emuci’s doing right now…_

As if on cue, I spot them across the far end of the hall. The simple sight of them makes me feel a little dizzy. They’re just **_~~so captivating…~~_**

_Perhaps I should… see what their day looks like…_

Waiting for them to walk further down the hall, I peek around the corner behind them. They head towards a classroom a few doors down on the right hand side, not stopping to talk to anyone else. _That must mean ** ~~they’re on a higher level than everyone else.~~**_

I idle by my locker for a few more moments, pretending to reorganize my things. I need to bide my time, lest I compromise my whole goal. Once I’m confident the halls are empty, I quietly step towards Emuci’s classroom, and approach the door.

My hand trembles as I reach for the handle, but I catch myself, snatching my hand back quickly. _What was my plan there? Was I seriously just about to barge into the room?_

_But… if I’m careful…_

Gingerly, I wrap my fingers around the handle again, turning it ever so slightly. I pull the door the tiniest bit towards me, leaving a thin window into the classroom and…

**_~~There you are…~~ _ **

Sitting in a desk on the far side of the classroom, Emuci is gazing out of the window, haphazardly writing something down in their notebook. The way the sunlight dances across their face, sparkling in their auburn eyes fills my chest with a blooming sensation, as if my ribs were playing racquetball with my heart. They have a stern expression, as if they’re deep in thought.

**_~~I wonder if they’re thinking about me… do they think about me as much as I think about them…?~~ _ **

_Wait… what am I doing?_

I suddenly pull myself back from the door, shaking my head. _This isn’t right… normal people don’t do this sort of thing, do they?_

**_~~Then again, how is “normal” defined?~~ _ ** ~~~~

_Well, surely it’s a bit out of the ordinary to sit outside, peering through a crack in the door at someone…_

_Even if… they are… ** ~~someone so alluring…~~**_

I crawl back towards the door, and try to get back into position. However, I accidentally lean forward too far, pushing the door open further than I was hoping and causing it to emit a conspicuous groaning sound.

**_~~Fuck!~~ _ **

Stumbling backwards with the grace of a penguin with two left feet, I run down the hall towards the stairwell. I don’t stop to see if I’m being followed, but I can’t hear any other footsteps behind me. The only things I can hear are my ragged breaths and my pounding heart.

_This doesn’t feel good… what’s gotten into me?_

I’m usually a fairly dedicated student; I enjoy learning, and the classroom gives me a safe haven to let my mind run free. Yet here I am, out of breath and skipping class to watch someone else be in class…

Things are starting to feel like a bit of a blur, as though I’m gulping down a glass of hazy fog.

_This isn’t healthy. I should be in my own class right now. But all I can think about is ** ~~how long it’ll be before I can go back to the literature club…~~**_


	15. Deference

The day seems to drag out painfully, paying no heed to the building **_~~desire~~_** in the back of my head. Thankfully though, time has decided to grant me some mercy by bringing daily classes to an end. Try as I might, I haven’t been able to distract myself from thinking about what today’s club meeting will be like.

_Emuci will surely still be there, and…_

_And Natsuki…_

I swallow. I can still feel the tenseness of our fight in my shoulders, pressing into me like a steel vice. Although Monika reassured me that Natsuki will be okay today, I highly doubt it’ll be that simple. At the very least, I should prepare myself for an incredibly uncomfortable conversation.

Arriving at the literature club, I swiftly open the door, revealing…

_Empty…_

The air in the room is still thick with remorse, almost choking me as I silently make my way towards a desk. The only sound is the dutiful ticking of a lonely clock above the door, each second ricocheting through my mind.

On a regular day, I would take my book out and do some light reading, but **_~~I don’t want to do that without Emuci~~_**. Instead, I nervously fidget with the cuff of my sleeve, pulling at it methodically.

_There’s got to be something I can do to keep calm, right?_

**_~~Perhaps I could…~~ _ **

I pull out Emuci’s pen from my pocket, and roll up my sleeve ever so slightly, exposing my wrist. Looking around to confirm I’m still alone, I carefully write out the first character of their name.

“A-Ah…”

_What was that feeling…?_

The ink itself seems to flare with life, electrifying my nerves. An all too familiar itch crawls across my arm, but that doesn’t stop me. In fact, **_~~it makes me want to keep going…~~_**

With a bit more force, I etch in the second character. I don’t really know how to describe it, but it feels… **_~~good.~~_** At the very least, it’s keeping me occupied, right?

I press down to draw the final character, but before I can finish the door slides open. Panicked, I yank my sleeve back down and stuff the pen into my pocket. Turning to face the door, I see…

_Natsuki?_

For a moment, I consider saying something to her. However, I don’t want to risk **_~~setting her off again~~_**. It might be more prudent to wait until Emuci and Monika show up; if there are more **_~~witnesses~~_** , I might be a bit more tactful.

Natsuki, on the other hand, simply walks right by me without a second glance, slumping down into a desk on the opposite side of the room. Stretching one arm out with a yawn, she uses the other to retrieve a volume of her manga from her bag.

To be totally honest, I’m surprised she hasn’t said anything to me. It’s possible that she still decided to come out of some sense of obligation, rather than any kind of interest in interacting with the other people here. It’s more likely however that I’ve irrevocably burned any kind of bridge between a potential friendship with her, and she’s screaming that realization at me through her silence.

_Is she being passive aggressive or aggressively passive?_

I can feel the tension in the room building; my heartbeat speeds up exponentially with each flutter of her book’s pages, and my blood rushes through my ears as she hums a happy tune to herself.

Mercifully, the door opens again and reveals Emuci. Seeing their face immediately puts me at ease.

“Welcome back…” I rise to greet them.

“A-Ah… Hey…” they say apprehensively. It’s clear that they’re still perturbed by what happened yesterday.

Glancing over my shoulder, I notice Natsuki hasn’t seemed to notice Emuci’s arrival. _Something about that doesn’t feel right. I can understand her ignoring me, but Emuci too…?_

Emuci is very obviously uncomfortable. _I need to take my responsibilities in this club seriously… I am the Vice President, after all. I should just remind Emuci that ** ~~everything’s under control.~~**_

Grabbing them by the arm, I pull them towards the back of the room where we’ll have a bit of space away from Natsuki.

“L-Listen, about yesterday…” I shift uncomfortably under the crushing weight of my guilt, “I… really can’t convey how regretful I feel. **_~~I’ve never felt anything like that before… it was like I wasn’t myself…~~_** ”

“I do hope this hasn’t soured the image of this club for you; I promise this isn’t a common occurrence…”

Emuci looks me in the eye. “Yuri, I’m glad you owned up to your mistake; I could tell that things were a bit on edge yesterday. Maybe it was just because we were sharing poems for the first time?”

“Trust me though,” they place a hand on my shoulder, “I’ve already decided that you’re a good person. The fact that you’re apologizing proves that.”

My heart’s irregular rhythm feels like a needle skipping across a worn vinyl record. **_~~What did I do to deserve you being here?~~_ ~~~~**

“E-Emuci…” I feel my face flushing, “y-you shouldn’t be so candid with those sentiments… It makes me a bit ** _ ~~too~~_** happy… and-”

“Hey, have you guys seen Monika?”

I almost scream at the sudden intrusion, but it turns out to just be Natsuki. _But she’s… addressing us so calmly…?_

“N-Natsuki!” I look over at her fearfully. “I-I…”

“I haven’t seen her,” Emuci interjects.

“I guess you haven’t either, Yuri?” she asks me without a hint of malice in her voice.

_Okay… deep breath…_

“I-I’m afraid not…”

Natsuki furrows her brow. “I hope nothing bad’s happened to her…”

_What am I seeing in front of me? Natsuki should be livid, yet she’s attempting to make small talk…_

Evidently, Natsuki notices my concern, raising an eyebrow at me.

“Uh…everything okay there?” she quips, looking around the room to confirm that I’m staring at her.

_Well… perhaps I can take this opportunity to get back onto the right foot here…_

“Natsuki, I…” I clear my throat, “I just wanted to apologize for how I treated you yesterday! I really didn’t mean any of the wicked things I said to you! I truly-“  


“What are you talking about?” she tilts her head at me in confusion. “Did you do something yesterday?”

What.

No… No, that’s impossible… there’s no way she forgot about what I did.

**_~~Did that even happen?~~ _ **

_Yes… of course it did! I’m ** ~~not crazy…~~**_

“Heh,” she smiles at me, “I’m sure whatever you’re worrying about isn’t anything important. I don’t even remember anything bad happening; you’re the kind of person who worries too much about things that don’t matter, aren’t you?”

“…”

_No… this isn’t right… at the very least, please acknowledge my remorse! Are you putting on airs in front of Emuci? Will I hear about this later tonight? Don’t play with me like this…!_

“B-But… Yesterday… I-I…”

“If it makes you feel better, I’ll accept your apology. Even if you didn’t do anything wrong, I appreciate hearing that you care about me; I was always worried you hated me, you know?”

“O-Of course not!” I try my best to sound calm, but my perplexity shakes my voice. _I… I know what happened… Emuci saw it too, right?_

“You might be a bit out there, but I don’t hate you either!” she giggles, grinning widely.

I… I really don’t know what’s going on… maybe Monika would know? We talked about it a bit yesterday; I’m sure she can assist me in figuring out why Natsuki is being so forgiving.

_At least, I really hope she can… ** ~~she might be the only one who can help…~~**_


	16. Yield

“Sorry, everyone!”

Monika slides open the door and approaches us. For some reason, it feels like there’s something… ‘off’ about her, as if there’s a dissonance between her tone of voice and her body language. She sounds like she was in a hurry, but she appears quite nonchalant.

“I hope none of you were worried about me…”

“It’s fine,” Emuci laughs, “although I think Natsuki was a bit…”

“N-Nuh-uh!” she stammers **_~~childishly,~~_** “I was just wondering what took you so long to get here is all!”

“I guess I lost track of time,” Monika states matter-of-factly, “I had a free period, so…”

That _sounds_ plausible…

“Hold it!” Natsuki yells suddenly, “You would’ve heard the bell ring, right?”

_Hang on, that’s actually a good point. Is it possible that Monika is… hiding something?_

“A-Ahaha, well, I was practicing piano so I must’ve not heard it…”

“Piano…?” I perk up. I didn’t know Monika had an interest in instruments, especially one as complex and commanding as the piano.

I used to play the violin, but recently… even the sight of it **_~~brings back truly harrowing memories…~~_**

“Is there anything you _don’t_ do?” Natsuki quips, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, I’m not really very good at it yet…” Monika says dismissively.

“I must say though, I’m impressed with your dedication, Monika.”

“Well, shucks Yuri!” she grins bashfully.

“You should play us something sometime!” Natsuki says.

“Ahaha…”

Monika looks directly at Emuci, her gaze filled with… I’m not quite sure. I don’t want to assume anything, but I also don’t want **_~~her doing anything she’ll regret…~~_**

“I’m currently working on a song, but I haven’t finished it yet… perhaps once it’s done I can showcase it.”

“I can’t wait to hear it!” Emuci smiles back at Monika encouragingly.

“Oh? Well, In that case…” her face flushes, “I won’t disappoint you, Emuci!”

_I’m… looking too deeply into this, aren’t I? I’m sure they’re just having a moment between friends, as friends do._

**_~~And for Monika’s sake, it’d better stop there.~~ _ **

Emuci scratches the back of their head nervously. “I, uh, didn’t mean any pressure or anything…”

“No, it’s fine; if anything, I was hoping I could share it with _you_ anyway.”

Without warning, I feel the skittering of fire ants up and down my sleeve. I didn’t mishear that emphasis, did I? Is she… planning to **_~~take Emuci away from me? Can’t she read the signs in front of her? I was here first! I was-~~_**

_…Deep breath, Yuri… Emuci’s their own person and can make their own decisions. I can’t control that._

**_~~As much as I would like to…~~ _ **

Monika says something, but I don’t hear it. The building pressure beneath my skin is starting to consume my thoughts. I’m torn; do I try to ignore the cravings, or indulge in them, at the risk of being discovered?

_Perhaps spending time with Emuci will help stave off this feeling for just long enough to find a suitable opportunity…_

“E-Emuci…” I wander closer to them, as Monika and Natsuki head off in separate directions, “your compliments put me in a good mood, so… if it’s alright with you, would you like to…spend some time with me today?”

“Oh?”

_That was smooth. About as smooth as rusty nails being jostled with sandpaper in a jar of gravel and splinters._

“Th-That is to say, um, i-in the club!” I stutter, hoping that I haven’t come on too strong.

“Ah, for sure!” they beam, “I was about to suggest that anyway.”

“Smashing!” I exclaim with glee, “can we start now?! Let’s go over-“

Emuci simply stares back at me with an expectant expression. _Oh gosh, I’m going to scare them away with this kind of enthusiasm… but…_

“D-Do forgive me! I didn’t mean to be so pushy, I just…my heart… won’t stop **_~~pounding~~_** …”

“No sweat,” they respond coolly, “if anything, seeing you have so much energy is nice.”

“Ahaha, o-of course! But… I should try to stay composed, or I won’t be able to focus on reading together…”

_Another deep breath…_

I pull out my copy of _Portrait of Markov_. The book feels very weighted in my hands, only exacerbating the pulsing feeling through my arm.

“B-Before we begin…” I shyly look off to the side, “would you mind if I made some tea first? There are few things more relaxing than a nice cup of tea to go with a good book and good company, after all.”

“That sounds great,” they reply, much to my delight.

_Yes… some tea will help me keep myself on track, right? The smell, the taste, the warmth of it running through my ** ~~blood…~~**_

I start to set up the kettle alongside my tea set. My hand is twitching with anticipation; I can’t put it off any further.

“I-I’ll be back in a little bit…!” I hold up the water pitcher, signaling that I need to fill it up.

“Maybe I can come with you. Might as well, right?”

“N-No!” I almost shout, causing Monika to look over at us, “Th-That’s okay! You just stay here…”

Without letting them contest it, I rush out of the classroom, pitcher in hand. **_~~This won’t take a moment…~~_**


	17. Cloistered

 

My veins painfully constrict underneath my arm as I pace through the hallway, carrying the pitcher loosely in my trembling hands.

_Why do I… feel so… hot…?_

Unable to focus anymore, I drop the pitcher, allowing it to clatter against the floor. I take a quick look behind my shoulder, then duck into a corridor. The water can wait; **_~~this can’t.~~_**

I erratically unroll my sleeve, and fish around in my pocket for my **_~~salvation~~_**. Feeling its reassuring coolness against my fingertips, I retrieve the small pocketknife.

“Hello there, my cerise friend…”

Flicking the blade open with my thumb, I raise it and…

“Kthhh-!”

There’s something **_~~invigorating~~_** about this compared to whenever I’ve done it in the past; is it the rush of knowing people are waiting for me? Is it specifically because I know Emuci is waiting for me?

Normally doing this would calm me down, but… **_~~I’m just getting more excited…~~_**

_Why isn’t it helping? And why… why don’t I care that it’s not helping?_

Another terse cut frees a serene strain of red along my arm, trickling in time to my breathing.

“H-Ha…Ha…”

_I really should stop… I’ll never get myself back to the clubroom if I stick around here forever._

**_~~I’m sure they can wait just a little while longer though.~~ _ **

The persistent itch doesn’t seem to want to go away, no matter what kind of line I add to my tapestry. A deep mark seems to bury my wants deep underneath, struggling to break out, whilst a light graze isn’t enough to unchain them.

_One more, then I really should-_

“Yuri?”

I yelp and turn around to see Emuci. Their eyes are wide with fear, as if they’ve just come face-to-face with some eldritch being.

 _B-But… they’re looking at me… am I…?  
_The world seems to spin around me, the lights fading in an asynchronistic pattern. Before I know it, I’m falling to the floor, and darkness is consuming my vision.

_Emuci… no…_

Chapter 17 : Cloistered

_…_

_…huh?_

I groggily push myself up to my feet, using the water pitcher as a balance against the ground. Looking around, Emuci is nowhere to be seen. I didn’t notice them leaving; did they really just go back without saying anything?

_Hold on…_

It was at that moment I realized I was holding onto the water pitcher. The same water pitcher that I’d dropped in the hallway several moments ago. My sleeve is rolled down the length of my arm again, and I’m in front of the water fountain instead of… wherever Emuci found me.

_What… that happened, right? I saw Emuci here…_

There’s no way they would’ve found the water pitcher, placed it back into my hands, then left. Were they really not here?

_No… they had to have been! I saw them! Didn’t I…?_

Maybe I’m just getting worked up over Emuci… they’ve been occupying my thoughts so much recently; maybe I just imagined them being there? I told them to stay behind in the clubroom so that I could **_~~indulge myself a little~~_** without worry, but…

_How long did I spend out here? Maybe they got concerned and came to look for me?_

_But if that were true, then they wouldn’t have left me, surely!_

I _know_ what I saw. Emuci was standing around the corner, watching over me with concern. They’d stumbled upon something **_~~they weren’t supposed to see~~_** , and then things started to get fuzzy…

_I… I don’t even know ** ~~what’s real anymore…~~**_

Perhaps if I try to get back on track, things will start to make a bit more sense. I originally came out here to get water to make tea for myself and Emuci…

_Ah! We were going to do some reading together!_

I can’t let some silly **_~~delusion~~_** keep me any longer than I need to be here.

Striding over to the water fountain, I press in the inviting silver button. Holding the pitcher underneath the stream, I allow it to fill up.

**_~~“Are you sure that’s all you came out here for?”~~ _ **

“E-Eh…?”

I look around again. The hallway is empty.

_But I could’ve sworn I heard someone’s voice just now…_

**_~~"You didn’t; it’s okay."~~ _ **

“Okay, I definitely heard _that_ …”

The hallway is still empty.

This… doesn’t feel right. Did I accidentally go too far with my **_~~release~~_**? Am I going to wake up in the hospital, out of my mind?

_No, I can’t think like that… I’m probably just having a bit of a weird day; Natsuki not remembering our quarrel yesterday threw me for a loop. That’ll be it._

Carefully, I carry the full water pitcher back towards the classroom. _Will Emuci notice anything out of the ordinary?_


	18. Apoplexy

Taking care not to spill the water I’m carrying everywhere, I slide open the door to the literature club. Emuci is waiting exactly where they were when I left, down to the exact position.

“Thanks for your patience…” I say quietly, making my way towards them.

“Ah, no worries,” they beam, “I was about to go look for you, but **_~~Monika told me I should wait here.”~~_**

“E-Eh…? You mean… you didn’t leave the classroom? Not at all?”

“No… **_~~I didn’t have a reason to, after all.”~~_**

“I-I see…”

_But… I saw them! Right?_

_…Right?_

“A-Anyway!” I try to change the subject, “are you much of a tea drinker, Emuci?”

“Yeah, but whatever you have is fine.”

Methodically, I start to prepare our tea; boiling the water and measuring out the leaves whilst it boils. Emuci watches on in fascination, their eyes following my hands. I’d be lying if I said their gaze didn’t **_~~excite~~_** me…

“You really do this properly, don’t you?” they ask.

“Naturally… there’s no point in doing something unless you do it properly, r-right?”

Without meaning to, I start to hum to myself, delighting in the gentle * _clink!_ * of a spoon against the porcelain cups. I feel much better than I was even a few moments ago; I was able to let out some of the tension from earlier, and I’m looking forward to the time I’ll be spending with Emuci.

_This is what this club is for, isn’t it? This is the reason I joined…_

“You look pretty chipper, Yuri!” Emuci grins.

“Mm… y-you think so?” I respond, not looking up from my tea set, “well, I thought I might let it show a little… a-and you noticed…”

Sighing, I bring my hands close to my **_~~thumping~~_** heart.

“I thought it might be nice to try and… e-express myself a little bit more… as it turns out, I don’t have much trouble doing it.”

“At least,” I smile, “I don’t when **_~~you’re around…~~_** ”

“That’s awesome, Yuri!” they nod. “Just be mindful of your **_~~limits~~_** ~~,~~ okay?”

“Emuci… you’re really q-quite caring, aren’t you…?”

As I finish preparing our tea, I notice Emuci starting to walk in my direction, carrying their book underneath their arm.

Although I _do_ want to read with them, I’m not sure it’d be a smart idea to do what we did last time. Something about our proximity made me feel… weird…

_Or perhaps it was just the stiff chair making me feel ill? I already have issues with back pain; it’s logical that being hunched over a hard desk like that would exacerbate things._

“U-Um… I have another request, if that’s okay…?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

I glance over to the far corner of the classroom.

“Would you mind if we…sat on the floor today?”

Emuci looks at me with confusion. “Uh… any particular reason why?”

“W-Well, it’s easier on my back, you see…” I start to explain. “Rather than bending over a desk, I can rest against the wall. I tend to have fairly chronic back pain, so I do what I can to manage it.”

“Oh? I wonder what could be causing that…”

“It’s most likely my ch-“

I suddenly cut myself off. _I can’t be speaking with such vulgarity in front of Emuci! What would they think if I were to be so brazen and open about something like that?!_

“Th-That is to say, m-my…”

“Your posture, right? I can’t imagine leaning over all the time would be good for you…”

_Oh, bless you Emuci, you gave me an out._

“You’re right! My reading posture is atrocious! And that’s why we should sit on the floor today!”

“I can’t really argue with that. There’s just something I want to go get first, is that alright?”

“O-Of course! **_~~Anything’s alright if it’s you…”~~_**

“Cool, I’ll be right over!”

As they go to collect whatever it is they were missing, I bring our teacups to the back of the classroom. Shortly, they return and slide down next to me, **_~~our~~_** book in one hand, and a small bag in the other.

_Side by side… how delightful…_

Similarly to last time, we each take the book in one hand and hold it between us. Being in their presence is rather soothing; before long, I can feel the world around me beginning to drift away. All that exists in this moment are myself, Emuci, and the novel that **_~~binds us together.~~_**

_This is nice… I could get used to this…_


	19. Nuanced

Without the distractions of the other club members, I can actually relax somewhat. Watching Emuci’s expression change ever so slightly as they scan through our book, taking note of every subtle twitch of their eyes… there’s something cathartic about it.

_I could watch them all day… I almost ** ~~want to stop reading, just so I can keep watching them…~~**_

I close my eyes, and forcefully bring my gaze back to the book. I don’t want to scare them away by acting overly intense; there’ll be time later **_~~for that sort of thing.~~_** ~~~~

Beside me, I hear the quiet clinking of porcelain as Emuci rests their teacup by their side. Glancing over, I see them unwrapping a small sweet and places it quietly in their mouth. Noticing me, they tip the bag of sweets in my direction, allowing me to take the book in both of my hands.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to… you can have as many as you like,” they say bashfully.

“Oh, that’s alright…” I decline politely. “I wouldn’t want to smudge the pages; I might get chocolate on my fingers if I were to touch them…”

“Eheh… I hadn’t even thought of that…”

“I-It’s okay… I can hold the book for both of us, okay?”

“As long as it’s not too much trouble…”

Delicately resting the book against my leg, I prop it open so that Emuci can continue reading unimpeded. Soon, I get back into the story myself.

_Ah, I always enjoyed this part coming up…_

The protagonist at this point has begun to abandon any façade they were putting up before, only focusing on themselves. They haven’t quite reach their despair-event horizon yet, but they’ve started going down that road. It’s immensely fascinating to me how people can change the way they act simply based on the company around them; one moment we can be quiet and collected, and then the next we’ve only got our own interests in mind.

_I’m not like that though; I want ** ~~what’s best for the others…~~**_

Suddenly, I can smell the delightful scent of chocolate close by. Without thinking, I open my mouth, and the chocolate floats up to me. Still reading, I close my lips over the sweet; it tastes wonderful, the rich creamy flavour swirling around my tongue like an untethered twister.

And then it hits me.

“…e-eh?”

I blink, looking to Emuci. “D-Did… did I really just…”

Emuci waves their arms, embarrassed. “S-Sorry! I just thought… maybe I shouldn’t have…”

In any other circumstance where something unexpected happened, I might’ve been able to calm myself down by finding a quiet place to continue reading on my own. However, in this moment, I find myself starting to breathe heavily. My uncontrollable heart frantically throws itself around inside of my ribcage, desperately trying to break its shackles.

I stand up and grab Emuci by the wrist, yanking them forcefully towards the back of the room with me. This makes them drop their cup of tea, but I don’t care.

“E-Emuci…”

I lead Emuci into the cupboard, closing the door behind us. _What am I doing…? What am I… feeling…?_  


“My… My heart won’t stop **_~~pounding~~_** , Emuci… can you feel it?”

Without restraint, I pull their hand to my heart, my pulse seemingly rocking their balance.

  
“Can you feel it, Emuci? I can’t calm down… I can’t focus on anything anymore!”

Emuci doesn’t respond, so I continue.

“Why… Why is this happening to me…?” I wonder out loud, panting between laboured breaths. “I… feel like I’m losing control… why can’t I make it stop? I don’t even want to read anymore…”

I drift closer to them.

 

“I just want…”

“To look…”

“ ** _ ~~At you…~~_** ”

 

Time crawls to a slow as I stare in to their **_~~warm eyes… I don’t care about anything else right now. All that matters is Emuci, and how amazing they are…~~_**

**_~~The way their hair playfully flits around as they look around, the level of compassion they have for me… and the way they want me to be happy… happier than anyone else…~~ _ **

**_~~This is… euphoric. I don’t want this to end… and I won’t let anyone take this feeling away from me.~~ _ **

Briefly, a pang of guilt echoes in my head. Some part of me still worries that I’m being too forceful, or that I’m rushing to conclusions without taking anyone else’s thoughts into consideration. _I… I don’t want to do this, do I? This isn’t how people get closer to others, is it…?_

_But if it’s not… then ** ~~why does it feel so good?~~**_

Emuci doesn’t seem to mind, so… maybe I’m doing the right thing?

Without notice, the door to the cupboard suddenly swings open, with a perplexed Monika standing on the other side.

“U-Um… it’s time to share poems…” she says nervously. Emuci steps away, leaving me alone.

_You… Monika… ** ~~why did you have to ruin this for me?~~**_

_Although perhaps… this was for the best… maybe if we just share poems, things will go back to normal…_

_At least, that’s what I hope will happen…_


	20. Harrowing

As everyone else starts to go about their business, I make my way over to my desk to collect my poem. However, as I take my first step, a cascade of pins tumbles around inside of my head.

_Why do I suddenly feel so dizzy…? Was I hyperventilating again?_

I blink slowly. _Just take it easy, Yuri…_

“Hey, Yuri!”

I turn around to see that **_~~Emuci has come back to me.~~_**

“Would you like to share poems?” they say with a grin.

“O-Of course… I’ve been looking forward to seeing what you’re written…”

Simply touching the piece of paper reinvigorates me. Their most intimate thoughts materialized into a corporeal form…

_Just holding this feels ** ~~incredible…~~** and as for what you’ve written…_

** Apathy **

**Wait**

**Help**

**Echo**

**Restraint**

**Erratic**

**Inside**

**Sardonic**

**Sorrowful**

**Hollow**

**Eclipsed**

 

This is… astonishing. I’m amazed that they’re so capable of producing a vivid meaning behind their words; I **_~~literally can’t take my eyes off of it…~~_**

Emuci clears their throat. “Do you, uh… do you like it?”

“Emuci… I must say, I’m astounded that you’ve picked up on this so quickly. Wasn’t it just yesterday that I suggested a few techniques that you could practice?”

“Eheh, well,” they scratch the back of their head, “maybe you’re a good teacher. You made me want to try harder and give my poetry more complex imagery.”

  _Y-You… You… appreciated my advice?_

I swallow, then quickly turn back to face them. My heartbeat accelerates like a shuttlecock against my sternum, but **_~~I don’t care.~~_**

“That… makes me so happy, Emuci…I-I can’t tell you how wonderful it feels to have someone value me…”

I look back down to their poem.

“Your writing makes **_~~my heart pound~~_** … I-It’s been getting increasingly difficult to **_~~stay level headed… you don’t think that’s weird of me, do you?~~_** ”

All of this is really getting me worked up… I know on some level that this isn’t right. If I have to ask whether or not they think I’m weird, doesn’t that already answer my question?

But as much as I try to tether myself, my mind drifts back to Emuci. All I want to do is be with them. I want to feel what they’re feeling. I want them to see what I’m seeing.

_Oh! Speaking of which…_

 “You don’t have to answer that; right now, I’d be delighted if you’d read my poem as well…”

Brimming with anticipation, I almost press the paper into their hands. Eagerly, I watch them taking in my raw stream of consciousness from the previous night.

_It’d technically count as a prose poem, wouldn’t it?_

After a short while, they look back up at me.

“I-I suppose what it’s about isn’t that important,” I start to explain, a slight tremor creeping into my voice. “My thoughts have been running wild recently, so **_~~I had to take it out on your pen.”~~_**

Emuci cocks an eyebrow at me.

_Oh… that’s right; they didn’t know I’d taken their pen. And they don’t know ** ~~how it makes me feel…~~**_

“Th-That is, u-um, you dropped a pen yesterday,” I stammer, “s-so I thought I’d take it home to look after it, and…”

I meet their eyes.

“ ** _ ~~I simply… adore… the way…that it writes… so I wrote… this poem…with your pen… and now you’re touching it…”~~_**

There’s an uncomfortable tightness in my chest, as I feel myself breathing heavily.

_What… What did I just imply…?_

“I-It’s okay! I’m fine! I-I just…”

_Why is this happening to me?!_

“…C-Could we please pretend we never had this conversation? Truth be told, I-I’m a bit embarrassed with my… well, n-never mind. If you’d like though… **_~~you can keep the poem…”~~_**

Leaving them to stare blankly down at my poem, I awkwardly head to the other side of the room, my hand over my unruly heart. Monika is nonchalantly gazing out of the window at something, totally ignoring Natsuki.

_Wait a minute…there’s something wrong there. Shouldn’t Monika have talked to her about things by now? She came in late, but hasn’t made any effort to interact with anyone besides Emuci…_

“…Monika?” I call out to her timidly.

“Oh!” Monika says cheerfully, spinning around on her heel, “What can I do for you, Yuri?”

“I… Natsuki really doesn’t remember a thing about yesterday…”

“Hm?” she stares back at me in confusion. “Did something happen yesterday between you two?”

_E-Eh?!_

I start to feel lightheaded. “B-But… you… yesterday, we…”

Monika tuts, shaking her head. “Oh my, are you feeling alright, Yuri?”

 _No… No, this… she_ has _to remember…_

“I-I…U-Umm…n-no… I did…”

Shushing me, she cups a hand to my face.

“Oh, Yuri… you’re really quite a character, aren’t you? Are you sure you didn’t just have a bad dream or something?”

“W-W… I-It felt so real… I _know_ what happened…”

She places her free hand on my arm in what I can only assume is meant to be reassuring, though it feels nothing like that given the circumstances.

“Geez… no matter how you slice it, there’s really something cutting at you, huh? But don’t worry; nothing bad happened, and everything is fine.”

“B-But…”

Her grip suddenly tightens, her nails digging into my arm. I reflexively flinch and try to pull away, but she has me held like a vice.

“I said. Everything. Is. Fine.”

For the first time, I’m genuinely unnerved by Monika’s behavior. But at this point, I’m not sure if I’m just **_~~projecting my own insecurities onto her.~~_**

_What kind of person am I, to think of my friend like that…?_

“Now then!” she calls out brightly, a jarring contrast to mere seconds ago, “I have a bit of an announcement to make, so if you’d like to come up to the front of the room…”

“U-Um… shouldn’t we finish shar-“

“Yuri, you’re this club’s _Vice_ President, are you not? Be good and let me run things, okay?”

Before I can respond, she struts away.

_Did… did that just happen?_

I sigh, running a hand through my thick hair. **_~~Maybe Monika’s right; I’m not sure what’s real anymore…~~_**


	21. Eclipse

“If I might have your attention for just a moment!”

Monika smiles proudly from the front of the room, annunciating each word carefully.

“As you all know, the school’s cultural festival is coming up soon, so-“

“Do we _have_ to do something?” Natsuki interrupts with a disappointed sigh. “It’s not like we’ll be able to come up with something good enough on such short notice.”

_Oh goodness, that’s right… the festival…_

Every year, all of the clubs in our school come together and try to convey the essence of their club; it’s meant to give other students a taste of what it might be like to be a part of a club, which makes it an amazing opportunity to attract potential new members.

However, if I’m totally candid… I’m not sure I want to do anything special for the festival this year. Next week isn’t nearly enough time to put together something with clear effort spent, nor can I say I’d be particularly enthusiastic about increasing our member count.

**_~~I’d die if someone new showed up and captured Emuci’s heart…~~ _ **

“T-That’s a concern of mine as well,” I say politely but firmly, “I don’t do well with last minute preparations…”

I think it’s just common sense to set aside time to think about things rationally; most slip ups, accidents, or preventable disasters occur due to rash, spur-of-the-moment ideas. If we _were_ to scramble to have something for next week, at best we’d most likely just embarrass ourselves.

Monika waves at us dismissively. “Relax, we’re going to keep things simple, okay?”

**_~~Did you not hear what we just said?~~ _ **

“I know since Emuci arrived, the atmosphere’s been a bit… active… but we need to think about the future of this club. We still only have four members; the festival’s really what we need to recruit some new people, you know?”

“Who said that would be a good thing?” Natsuki says, scowling. “We’ve already got enough to be an official club; why do you want to mess that up by adding more people to manage?”

Monika’s shoulders sink slightly. “Natsuki… I don’t think that’s the right kind of outlook… don’t you want to find others that share your interests?”

“I want this club to be a place so intimate, no one’d ever want to leave.”

She turns over to Emuci, and gives them a sly wink.

“Surely you agree with me, right?”

**_~~Excuse me… what do you think you’re doing…?~~ _ **

“Are you really doing this?” Natsuki huffs, “Emuci doesn’t know how to say no; it isn’t fair to pray on them like that. Look, I need to be honest here…”

She stands upright, her face painted with solemn sincerity. “Do you really think any of us here want other people to join? Yuri was totally silent until Emuci showed up, and I just prefer being here to being at home.”

“And Emuci just kind of joined because you pressured him into it. And that’s everyone.”

Natsuki lets out a terse sigh. “You’re really the only person here who cares about finding new members; everyone else is happy with how things are.”

Reaching the conclusion of her **_~~pity party~~_** , Natsuki stares straight into Monika’s eyes. “I know you’re President, but don’t you think our opinions matter too?”

For the first time, Monika looks absolutely stunned, as though Natsuki’s question had pierced right through her soul. It’s actually somewhat unsettling… she’s usually so in control, so to see that confidence taken from her is jarring to say the least.

“N-No…” she laughs nervously, “that’s… not true at all. Is it…?”

She looks to me for an answer, but I simply turn away from her. I don’t think I can give her an answer she’d accept.

“E-Emuci…?”

Emuci furrows their brow, as though wrestling whether or not they should speak their mind. They raise their hand to speak, but Monika cuts them off.

“No… I understand. Natsuki’s right… this is just a place for a couple of people to hang out, isn’t it? How could I be so stubborn to project my own feelings onto you all?”

I can’t quite place what it is that I’m feeling. Part of me feels incredibly guilty that Monika’s feelings have been torn up by Natsuki, but another part of me **_~~feels some sort of perverse pleasure in seeing Monika be on the receiving end of misfortune for a change.~~_**

“I, uh… I don’t think that means we’re opposed to having new people though…” Emuci says awkwardly.

In response, Monika simply rests a hand on her forehead. “Emuci… why did you join this club? Did you expect something to happen? Did you even have a choice?”

 “Is there even a point to any of this?” she says, sliding into a nearby desk, burying her head in her hands. “Did I make a mistake by starting this club?”

_Monika’s really shaken up… shouldn’t I be saying something, as the club’s Vice President?_


	22. Agitate

I shoot Natsuki a disapproving glare. “Look at what you’ve done…”

“What? Me?” she says defiantly, “I was just being honest. Is that a crime?”

**_~~Oh, you naïve idiot…~~ _ **

“It’s not about being honest… it’s about being tactful with your word choice. Also, you don’t have **_~~the right to speak for everyone else in the club like that…~~_** ”

“You don’t get it, do you?” she frowns, folding her arms. “I just want somewhere I can feel… nice… where the people are happy to see me. Is that so wrong?”

“I… I don’t have many places like that…”

A lonely tear starts to swirl around in her eye.

“A-And now Monika wants to take that away from me!”

Emuci starts to respond. “I don’t think she’s taking away-“

“No, Emuci… it’s not the same. If I wanted to have what she’s talking about, I could’ve just joined any other club. But here…? At least… for a little while, things were… nice…”

Natsuki slings her bag over her shoulder. “I’m going home now…I feel like I don’t… belong her right now…”

“N-Natsuki…” I reach a hand out to her, but she evades me, simply walking out of the door and leaving me alone with Emuci whilst Monika is still by herself.

“This is bad…” I say softly. “I don’t know what to do about any of this… “

“Do you have any thoughts about the festival?” Emuci asks.

“I-I suppose I’m ambivalent in regards to that…”

_But for Natsuki to make such a huge mess of things… ** ~~What kind of obnoxious brat is she to do that?~~**_

“I do agree with Natsuki that things are nice and quiet right now…and I’m quite happy… to just be here with you, but…”

I place a hand on my **_~~surprisingly calm~~_** heart. “I-I’m the Vice President, aren’t I? Shouldn’t I be… doing something more? I should do my best to take everyone’s perspective into account…”

**_~~Even if that perspective is from someone so insufferable… honestly, no one would cry if she were to kill herself…~~ _ **

“B-But, what about you, Emuci? What were you hoping to get out of this club?”

_If I knew exactly what you wanted… maybe I could ** ~~help accommodate you…~~**_

They pause for a moment, resting a hand on their chin, “I think it’s best… if everyone is able to get along with each other. The most important thing is creating something irreplaceable; it shouldn’t be able how many people we have here, but what _kinds_ of people we have, you know?”

“I see…”

_My word… you really are wise, aren’t you…?_

“I agree with you… everyone puts something unique forward; if there’s a change in membership, the club’s identity will morph to match that. So…”

“If you’d like to help Monika with the festival…” I smile reassuringly at them, “I’m on your side as well.”

Suddenly, Monika shuffles up to us quietly.

“H-Hey, Yuri…” she says with a slight quiver in her voice, “I know things were a bit… off earlier, but… I truly do thing you’re a wonderful Vice President. And… a wonderful friend.”

“M-Monika…”

Despite all that has happened, I can’t deny that this is a nice gesture of goodwill.

“Why don’t we all go home for today? We can talk to Natsuki tomorrow about the festival.”

“Okay… I’ll look forward to that.”

I turn over to Emuci. “Shall we get going?”

_Walking home with Emuci… this’ll be a treat. We can relax a little outside of school; I can maybe get to know them on a more personal level, and ** ~~I might even find out where they live…~~**_

“Ah, actually…” Monika coughs, “please don’t take this the wrong way, but… I was hoping I could have a quick chat with Emuci. Just to see how he’s handling being in the club, you know?”

**_~~You… I knew you had some sort of ulterior motive!~~ _ **

As I’m about to say something, she raises her hand.

“Please… as President, it’s important to me…”

Something about her tone of voice hits me hard. **_~~As much as I might not want to~~_** , _I think it’d do her some good to have this._

**_~~And perhaps with any luck, Emuci will see what it’s like when they’re not with me-~~ _ **

_...Why am I thinking like that? Monika deserves to be happy too; she’s my friend, and I know she doesn’t have any malicious intent._

“…okay. I trust you, Monika. I-I suppose I’ll see you two tomorrow…?”

“Yeah,” she chuckles, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

With a gentle wave, I leave the classroom.

_Well, that wasn’t the direction I thought today’s meeting would take. A lot happened between Natsuki’s confession, Monika’s precursor to a breakdown, and the time I spent with Emuci and…_

**_~~A-And…~~ _ **

**_~~Mmm…~~ _ **

I start to walk faster. _Thinking about Emuci makes me want to… ** ~~chase that feeling from earlier…~~**_


	23. Release

The walk home feels unusual, as though everything around me is simply floating by. Everything in general over the past couple of days has felt rather unusual; Natsuki’s amnesia, Monika’s lament, and my own… behavior…

It’s almost as though something we once had is now gone. As if there was some bright warmth that brought everyone closer together in the club. But now…?

_The only time I feel that kind of comfort is ** ~~when I’m with Emuci… but Monika had to get in the way, and-~~**_

_…no. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. ** ~~Everything is fine.~~** Maybe if I repeat it enough, I’ll start to believe it. _

Although, our future as a club is still up in the air, isn’t it? Monika seems really set on having us prepare something for the festival, but will we really be able to attract anyone new?

_Or maybe it’s just something we can do together to try and ease the tension between everyone. Maybe there’s something Emuci and I can do together…_

My mind wanders back to the time we spent reading earlier; their studious expression, the candid aura they emitted, and the **_~~beautiful images I saw forming in their eyes…~~_**

  ** _ ~~How can someone be so perfect? And what did I ever do to deserve their attention?~~_**

_…I… I really can’t ** ~~get them out of my head~~**. I literally can’t think of anything besides Emuci. Why is this happening? _

I feel around in my pocket for Emuci’s pen. Does having it make me feel better? Or is it **_~~further fueling this craving?~~_**

Having something solid to hold onto is at least _somewhat_ reassuring, as it’s a reminder that I haven’t barreled so far off of the deep end that I can’t return; It’s a physical reminder of reality, and that there’s more than what’s just in my head.

I was really hoping I could walk home with Emuci today… I know they’ve been quite receptive to me being more **_~~expressive~~_** , so I was looking forward to exploring the connection that’s blossoming between us. Was I expecting something to happen?

_Well, I wouldn’t be opposed to them taking some initiative… as each second passes by, my ** ~~hunger for their touch grows more and more insatiable…~~**_

I suddenly stop, just outside of my house. I’d been so lost in thought that I didn’t realize how fast I was walking; my heart’s racing and I’m almost gasping for air. An all-too-familiar coil of flame wraps around my arm.

_I… ** ~~I want them…I want them to… I want to…~~**_

My grip on the pen becomes tighter, as I rub the smooth lid with my thumb.

 _…This isn’t normal. Having these kinds of thoughts… maybe I_ am _going crazy. But at least I’m still sane enough to know that._

Throwing the door open, I drop my bag in the middle of the floor and run to the kitchen. Pulling off my blazer, I roll up my sleeve, still firmly holding onto the pen. With my other hand, I shakily reach across the countertop until my fingers make reassuring contact with what I’m looking for; a sleek, slender knife.

Turning the tap, I thrust my arm underneath the hot stream of water, and make the first cut.

“A-Ahh…!”

My whole body shivers. _What the hell was that?! That felt… ** ~~electrifying.~~**_

As the blade pirouettes across my arm, my pulse begins to rocket. This normally calms me down; so why is it getting me so **_~~worked up?~~_**

**_~~Doesn’t it feel good?~~ _ **

**_~~Why are you still holding back?~~ _ **

**_~~Give.~~ _ **

**_~~In.~~ _ **

**_~~To.~~ _ **

**_~~This.~~ _ **

**_~~Feeling.~~ _ **

“H-Hahh… ahn…”

Every cell in my body is screaming for release. **_~~I need it. I need them. I need Emuci.~~_**

_…No! No, NO, NO! STOP IT! WHY ISN’T THIS HELPING?! I CAN’T TAKE THIS! THIS ISN’T THE KIND OF PERSON I AM!_

**_~~You could be though, you know.~~ _ **

**_~~You know this is what you want.~~ _ **

_No, it’s not! I-It’s…_

**_~~Yes it is.~~ _ **

_…I-It is, isn’t it…?_

I turn the tap off, and pace around the room anxiously.

_No… there’s got to be something else that will make this go away…_

_T-There’s… a poem! Yes, that’s it! I’ll write a poem! I’ll pour all of these desires into a wonderful poem!_

The anticipation enticing me, I run up the stairs to my bedroom, and sit at my desk. My legs start to jitter uncontrollably; it’s physically impossible for me to keep still.

I bring Emuci’s pen to the page, but it’s no use. I really can’t think about anything but Emuci.

_If you were here right now… ** ~~the things that I’d do to you…~~**_

My body seems to move on its own. My hand takes the pen and delicately skims it across my skin, eliciting another quivering wave through my stomach, until it reaches…

“A-Ah!”

_Oh…Oh fuck… what… am I doing…?_

**_~~Finally letting go! And it’s incredible!~~ _ **

_What would… Emuci think… if they knew… I was… using their…_

“A-Ahn!”

Any last shreds of self-control finally snap away. My hips move independently of my rational thought, driven further by the deafening, carnal pleasure erupting throughout my soul.

“E-Emuci… Emuci… hah… ** _ ~~hah… hah…~~_** ”

I’ve… never felt this alive. This beautiful intertwining of our spirits…the oil of their skin mixing with my sweat…

**_~~I can’t… take much more of this…~~ _ **

“Ha…!”

Waves of elicit elation pulse throughout my entire body. Stars swirl around in my vision, and I am reduced to **_~~pathetic~~_** gasps.

_This feeling… I… I have to write a poem for Emuci about this feeling! I need them to know how they make me feel!_

Taking their pen, I start to write. As my hand scans the page, blood flows from my still-fresh cuts into the paper. **_~~What better way to express one’s feelings than literally bearing yourself to them?~~_**

**_~~Capillary, Anhedonia, Night, Ambulate, Noxious, Yore, Obsolescence, Narcotic, Ecstasy, Primal, Lucid, Exception, Agoraphobe, Stunned, Encroach, Her, Entrench, Linchpin, Parasitic, Myopic, Esoteric, Injured, Cataclysm, Axel, Nail, Trope, Titan, Able, Keel, Exit, Teutonic, Heliotrope, Insidious, Slash, Apocalypse, Nothing, Yours, Mine, Obscure, Redacted, Erratic…~~ _ **

**_~~…The images won’t go away. Images of me driving the knife into her flesh continuously. Fucking her body with the blade. Making a mess of her. My head starts going crazy as~~ _ ** _my thoughts start to return. Shooting pain assaults my mind along with my thoughts._

_This is disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. How could I ever let myself think these things? But it’s unmistakable. The lust ** ~~continues to linger through my veins…~~**_

As much as I try to repress these impulses, my **_~~adoration of Emuci effortlessly triumphs.~~_**

The poem in front of me is perfect. Emuci will see what I’ve made, just for them, and they’ll love it; I just _know_ they will.

_Soon… ** ~~we will be together. Forever…~~**_


	24. Yashiki

 

…

……

………

_Hm? Where am I?_

Rubbing my eyes, I prop myself up and look around slowly. I’m in the stairwell at school, sometime in the evening if the dim orange glow outside is anything to go by.

_What am I still doing here?_

“Yuri!”

Several floors above me, I hear someone calling out my name.

_I recognize that voice… it’s Emuci!_

“Emuci! I’m coming!”

Excitedly, I start running up the stairs. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for; some time alone without anyone to interfere.

_They waited for me! They waited for me!_

I giggle to myself with anticipation, continuing to wheel around each successive set of stairs, until I finally see them at the top of the stairwell. Wearing a radiant smile, they extend their hand out towards me, standing in front of a wide doorway.

“Just a little further, Yuri…”

_This is it…!_

I take a few triumphant steps towards them. However, they look no closer than they were before. Looking down, I notice no matter how many steps I take, I’m not making any forward progress.

“W-What…?”

“Don’t keep me waiting forever, Yuri!” Emuci says jovially.

“E-Emuci! What’s happening?”

Picking up my pace again, I break out into a full sprint, but it’s no use; I’m stuck here.

Suddenly, the doors behind Emuci open creakily. They look over their shoulder, their eyes lighting up at whatever it is behind them.

“M-Monika!”

_Monika?!_

Sure enough, Monika saunters through the doorway and places an arm around Emuci.

“My my, you’re still here Emuci? And… Yuri?” she sneers down at me.

_You… ** ~~What are you doing here?~~**_

“Well, I think that should be rather obvious,” she responds.

If I could physically take a step back, I would. _Did she-_

“I did. Tell me, Yuri; do you seriously think Emuci will reciprocate your… feelings?”

“ ** _ ~~What are you trying to pull here, Monika?”~~_**

She looks off to the side, then winks at me.

“We both know who they _really_ like. And I can guarantee it isn’t you.”

“ ** _ ~~Oho? What makes you so sure of that?”~~_**

“Well, let’s just look at the facts. They didn’t want to walk home with you, they couldn’t give you a proper answer when you asked them about their intentions, and… even right now, they’re not making any effort to rush to you.”

Draping her arms over their shoulders, Monika looks down at me.

“ ** _ ~~Get your hands off of them!”~~_** I shout, instinctively trying to run towards the two of them. This time, the two of them drift further and further away from me.

“E-Emuci! Don’t leave me!”

They don’t seem to hear me, and just stare into Monika’s eyes.

_No… Emuci…!_

“Emuci!”

I sit upright in a cold sweat, my bedsheets on the floor. My **_~~pounding~~_** heart keeps me locked in place, accompanied by fitful breaths.

_W-What… Was it just a bad dream…?_

The pale quarter-moon looms in the sky above, casting a silver ray of light through my window.

Reaching over and pulling my bedsheets back over me, I let out a sigh. That intense feeling of helplessness as I watched Monika **_~~take Emuci from me~~_** … I can’t let that happen. Although I do have a penchant for the unsettling, that was genuine fear and dread.

_Was that why she wanted to stay behind with Emuci? Was she planning something…?_

I bury my head in my hands. Are my feelings for Emuci so strong that they follow me into sleep? They’re constantly on my mind; is there really no reprieve from this cacophonous desire for them?

The moments I’m not around them are unbearable; **_~~I’ll die if I can’t be with them.~~_**

_And that means I have to take action. Tomorrow, I ** ~~have to tell them. If I wait too long, something terrible might happen…~~**_

I’ve seen the way Monika looks at them; she likes to obfuscate innocence, but her intentions are clear. She wants there to be more people in the club to dilute how Emuci feels towards me; with others to create a diversion, Monika will swoop in as the friendly, familiar face and snatch them away.

But I won’t let it come to that. I have a **_~~beautiful poem~~_** for Emuci, and I’ll tell them **_~~what they make me do. All because I love them so much.~~_** And they’ll obviously reciprocate my confession; we’re destined for each other.

I rest my head back down onto my pillow, and let the warm thoughts of Emuci wash over me.

_You might think you’re in control, Monika… but ** ~~that couldn’t be further from the truth.~~**_


	25. Overture

The world around me is devoid of colour, of sound, of feeling. Whilst I walk to school, I can’t hear my footsteps, and nothing seems to matter. The only thing keeping me going is the knowledge that I’ll see Emuci later at the literature club.

_I… I can’t bear to be without them… ** ~~I just want to touch them…~~**_

It’s really quite phenomenal how much of a connection we’ve formed. Despite the relatively short time we’ve spent together, it feels as though our souls are intertwined, almost as if **_~~we knew each other in a past life.~~_**

I pity the other students around me, who are **_~~satiating their egos with inane chattering~~_**. They don’t know what it’s like to have a **_~~love as strong as~~_** what I hold in my heart.

_Be patient for me, Emuci… even if I can’t be, surely you can…_

…

After several jittery hours of unreleased anticipation, it’s **_~~finally~~_** time to head to the literature club. All day, I’ve been looking forward to resuming our reading from yesterday, and I’m sure they’ve been dying to continue as well.

Sliding open the door to the clubroom, I take a seat and do my best to wait for Emuci. Although every nerve ending in my body is screaming for me to run away and look for them, I know logically that they _will_ be here soon.

_And that’s when I can ** ~~make my move.~~**_

I reach into my pocket and feel around for Emuci’s pen, giving it a few rhythmic clicks. The sensation is soothing, and keeps me tethered until they arrive.

Suddenly, as if on cue, Emuci walks through the door. With eager eyes, I hurriedly get out of my desk and rush towards them.

“Hello, Emuci!” I beam, barely able to contain my enthusiasm. “I’ve been waiting for you all day…”

Pulling out yesterday’s book, I gesture towards the back of the clubroom.

“Shall we continue where we left off yesterday? I’m sure we-“

“Geez, is Monika really late again?”

To my left, I hear Natsuki’s **_~~irritatingly saccharine voice interrupting me.~~_**

“Ah Natsuki, Inconsiderate as ever…” I say, rolling my eyes.

“Eh? What’s going on now?”

“ ** _ ~~Must you always try to insert yourself into my conversations with your insufferable whining?”~~_**

“Woah now, Where’s all of this coming from?!” she raises her hands defensively, “You’re acting as though I do that often… what’s gotten into you?”

_E-Eh?_

_Was I… really that rude just now?_

“N-Nothing! I’m fine!” I stammer, unsure of who I’m trying to convince. Natsuki squints up at me.

“H-Have I really been that bad…?”

“See? I _know_ there’s something on your mind…” she says, her eyes filled with worry.

“D-Don’t worry about it!” I almost yell, “I just, um, things have been a bit hazy recently… it’s been making me anxious, but…”

“Well, i-it’s not like I care, but… I thought I should mention it.”

…Now that I’ve had a moment to think about it… I really _am_ acting out of line, but I only ever catch it after the damage has already been done. The worst part is I can’t even predict when it’s going to happen next; my temper just flares up whenever something gets between me and **_~~Emuci…~~_**

Before I can follow that thought any further, a flustered Monika walks through the door.

“Oh, damn… I’m the last one again!”

“Had you gotten caught up with practicing the piano again?” I ask.

“Ahaha… yeah…” Monika laughs bashfully.

“Your determination is admirable.”

Monika rests her hand on her chin. “I don’t think ‘determination’ is the right word; perhaps ‘passion’ would be more accurate. It helps me get the motivation to continue running this club, and coming up with stuff we can do at the festival-“

Suddenly, she blinks. Natsuki’s head pops up, and she raises an eyebrow.

_That’s right; we never got the chance to tell her what we’d agreed on…_

“Perhaps we should have mentioned it sooner, but…” I start to explain, “the three of us came to an agreement that we should push forward with preparations for the festival.”

“That said, I think we all agree that we don’t want the club to change much; as long as we’re together, this won’t become something we’re dissatisfied with.”

Natsuki crosses her arms, and looks off to the side. _She doesn’t look convinced…_

“U-Um… if you help out with the festival, how about… I buy you a new manga?”

A beat.

“…pffft!” Natsuki giggles, covering her mouth. “Sorry, but that just sounded really funny coming from you. But I did some thinking, and I thought I was a bit harsher than I meant to be yesterday…”

She closes her eyes, sighing. “As long as they’re cool, I don’t mind us getting a new member… and I’d hate to see us sink without me pitching in!”

_Crisis averted._

“I’m glad to hear that… isn’t that wonderful, Monika?”

Monika snaps back to reality, apparently having spaced out for the last bit of our conversation.

“O-Oh, yeah, no, that’s really… something…”

It looks like even Monika isn’t immune to the strange mood that’s been encompassing the club for the past few days. She gives us a bit of an uneasy smile before taking a deep breath.

“It’s good to have you on board, Natsuki; it wouldn’t be the same without you.”

_Phew… now that that’s out of the way, perhaps we can move onto ** ~~more pressing business…~~**_


	26. Unease

With the uneasiness surrounding the festival put to rest, it’s time to get back to where we were before I was interrupted by Natsuki.

“Hey Emuci, what would you like to do today?”

Monika is smiling innocently at Emuci, but catches me glancing in her direction.

“Y’know, I was thinking…”

The images that plagued me throughout the night flash to the forefront of my mind; Monika standing with her arms draped around Emuci, **_~~stealing them from me…~~_**

**_~~I won’t let you get in the way, you harlot…~~ _ **

“I’m afraid we already have plans today.” I say matter-of-factly.

Barely trying to hide her disappointment, Monika lets out a defeated sigh. “Is that _so_ , Yuri?”

“Quite; they’re occupied with the novel we’re reading **_~~together~~_**.”

**_~~Taking the upper hand, I press her further.~~ _ **

“I’d have thought you’d be delighted that I’d gotten them into literature, Monika. Are you not…?”

“I, eheh…”

She sighs again, shrugging. “You know what? I don’t even care at this point; nothing matters. Just do whatever you want.”

**_~~YES! That’s the first rational thing I’ve heard from you all day!~~ _ **

“I-I…” I clear my throat, trying to retain my composure, “I’m glad you understand, Monika…”

“Hmph.”

Tutting to herself, she saunters off to the back of the room, leaving just me and Emuci and myself.

_It’s just me and you… and there’s ** ~~so much we can do…~~**_

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to manage my excitement; the distracting intensity of my **_~~pounding heart~~_** is becoming too much to bear.

_I… I want to read with Emuci, but… ** ~~I need to take care of this…~~**_

“U-Um, before we begin…” I say, shaking with anticipation, “w-would you mind if I prepared some t-tea for us?”

“Oh, please do!” they smile politely. “Would you like me to come with you?”

“N-No! No, that won’t be… necessary…I-I’ll be back soon…!”

I swiftly leave the room, breaking into a half-run. The disorganized array of lines tracing around my arm start to burn, begging me to satiate them.

_Yesterday, it didn’t work… but will it today…?_

Once I am sufficiently out of sight, I erratically unroll my sleeve, and fish around in my pocket for my **_~~salvation~~_**. Feeling its reassuring coolness against my fingertips, I retrieve the small pocketknife.

“Hello there, my cerise friend…”

Flicking the blade open with my thumb, I raise it and…

“A-Ah…!”

This time, the soothing sensation returns, laced with latent desires. Although Emuci is still floating around in my mind, I can feel rationality returning to me.

“Ktthh-!”

_Ha… Ha…that’s… better…although… something about this feels… strange… as if-_

“…Yuri?”

_Oh fuck._

I slowly turn around to see Emuci staring at me with wide eyes, holding an empty pitcher.

“Y-You, uh… forgot this… f-for the tea…”

_No… They… They’re not supposed to…_

_To…_

Be it from the pure shock of having them see me like this, or the loss of blood I’m uncertain, but the world around me starts to dim. My knees give way, and I slump to the floor.

…

……

…

 

Chapter 26 : Unease

 

_H-Huh?_

“W-Wait… just now…”

Looking around, I find myself standing outside of the clubroom with Emuci.

_How did we get here…?_

“U-Um… Is it just me, or… I thought…”

I shake my head. “S-Sorry, I just had the most intense feeling of déjà vu…”

Emuci stares back at me, confused.

“T-This hasn’t happened already, has it…?”

The past few days have been kind of a blur; **_~~it’s getting increasingly difficult to determine what’s real and what’s just a product of my overactive mind.~~_**

“I-I hope you don’t think I’m weird or anything… I know things have felt a bit off, but… **_~~everyone has a few quirks, you know?~~_** ”

“I know sometimes it can be seen as bizarre or even frightening… I think perhaps when I was little, I acted upon those feelings without much regard for those around me, which…”

I close my eyes, and let out a sigh. _Why am I telling them all of this?_

They simply nod along as I talk.

“Because of how those around me reacted, I began resenting those parts of me… those times where my **_~~enthusiasm would betray me…~~_** however, now that you’re here… things have really felt even more out of line.”

“T-That’s not to say you’ve done anything w-wrong! It’s just… whenever we’re together, it feels like **_~~my heart is trying to claw its way out of my chest… and it’s been seeping into every corner of my mind, and making me do weird things…~~_** ”

_Between my lapses in judgment, the outburst with Natsuki, my apparent failure of memory, and how dismissive Monika has been about everything…_

Reaching forward, I grab Emuci by the shoulders as if to steady myself.

“I-Is it just me, or… has Monika been acting a bit off lately? I-It’s just, whenever she’s around, I feel something… **_~~sharp.~~_** I’m not crazy, right?”

I let out a nervous laugh. “Please tell me I’m not crazy! I think I need to hear that from someone right now…”

Emuci doesn’t say anything.

“She’s always listening, so I felt like I couldn’t say anything before… but now that we’re alone like this… do you mind if we just stay out here for a little while? We could just wait until the club ends, and then… **_~~we’d have the room all to ourselves… with nobody to get in the way…~~_** ”

_T-This isn’t right… I’m doing exactly what I said I was afraid of doing… but I can’t seem to pull away from them…_

“Being around the others so much… it really just makes me want to **_~~stab myself in the throat.~~_** ”

_…okay, that was definitely too far._

“A-Ah!” I panic, trying to look anywhere except into Emuci’s eyes. “T-That…! That was a joke! You know how they say humour can diffuse the tension when talking about heavy subjects… and I… I do like knives a lot… they’re dazzling… it might sound odd, but you’d understand if you saw exactly how much love and craftsmanship went into them…”

“I-I’m sorry if I’m rambling, it’s just… it’s nice to have a bit of time without Monika and **_~~her vile disposition… not to mention that other irritating child… I think it’d be better if it was just me and you… don’t you agree? I’ve been ever so patient in waiting for my happy ending… after all these years, I deserve it. And thankfully, I have you to share that with. Isn’t that perfect, Emuci?”~~_**

_Yes… this is… exactly what I’ve wanted…_

“O-Oh! That’s right! I, u-uh, I wrote a delightful poem about this feeling… and I’d be **_~~thrilled~~_** if I could show it to you!”

Without waiting for Emuci to respond, I turn back towards the door.

**_~~Not much longer now…~~ _ **


	27. Jilted

With new zeal, I throw the door open and start looking through my things. I hear Monika vaguely say something about sharing with everyone, but **_~~no one else matters; just Emuci.~~_**

Fortunately, Emuci seems to have had the same thought process as me, and has already pulled out their own poem. With a kind smile, they hand it over to me.

“I’ve been waiting for this, Emuci…” I say, barely containing my excitement.

_I already know it’s going to be a masterpiece!_

** Inevitable **

  
_Jubilance_

_Unheard_

_Stuttering_

_Tenfold_

_Malignance_

_Overbearing_

_Never_

_Inhibited_

_Kinship_

_Absolute_

 

I take the page and raise it to my face, **_~~drinking in the scent~~_**. Some people like the smell of an old book; I might have at one point. But that’s _nothing_ compared to this.

“I love it. Every little thing about it.”

The longer I hold onto the poem, the more I feel drawn towards it. Something full of passion from Emuci…

**_~~I must have it.~~ _ **

“Emuci, I’d like to keep this poem. Will you please allow me to have it?”

“Sure,” they shrug, “I don’t really mind…”

**_~~Oh, wonderful!~~ _ **

“I don’t think you know just how compassionate you really are, Emuci… I really haven’t met anyone else like you. I feel like **_~~I could die and be perfectly content. Nothing could top the pleasure I get from being around you.~~_** ”

_There it is again… I’m coming on way too strong…_

“T-There’s nothing wrong with me feeling this way, is there? _**~~Is there?~~**_ ”

I hold their poem close to my chest, as if **_~~allowing the raw excitement to wash over my heart.~~_**

“I will treasure this, Emuci. It’ll stay in my room and…I will take the utmost care of it. I might even **_~~touch myself whilst reading it over and over… and perhaps I’ll give myself paper cuts so that your skin oil enters my bloodstream… and we’ll be together even when apart. Does it make you feel good to know that I have your poem?~~_** ~~”~~ ”

_I know that I just said something incredibly vulgar, but ** ~~it feels way too good to tell them my true feelings…~~**_

“O-Oh! Where are my manners…?” I tut to myself, “I’d like for you to have my poem as well. It would be selfish of me to take yours and not leave you with anything in return, right? And I just know that **_~~you’ll want to keep it after you read it.~~_** ” ~~~~

Enthusiastically, I push my poem into their hands. Their eyes widen as they ** _ ~~become entranced by my words~~_**. Seeing them enjoying my poem with the same fervor as me is exhilarating; I can’t help but drift closer to them, basking in their aura, **_~~breathing the same air as them…~~_**

“Do you like it?” I giggle nervously, “I knew you would. If you’re curious about the subject, I thought I’d try and take a bit of a different approach; **_~~I thought a visceral approach would be much more effective at getting my point across. My essence is spread across the page, my crimson lust intertwining with your fingers… I thought of everything, just for you…~~_** ”

Suddenly, the room spins, and the gravity of what I’d just said hits me.

_Oh my god… that… that wasn’t really me, was it…?_

Emuci watches me uneasily, confirming my worst fears.

“I… I have to go…”

I sprint out of the clubroom, running to the toilets. Barely steadying myself against the sink, I’m immediately filled with intense disgust at my actions. I’d given into the most depraved thoughts from the darkest abysses of my soul, and expected everything to just be fine.

_I… I’m an abhorrent human being…_

My reflection looks over me warily.

“How did I let it get this bad…?” I whisper softly to myself, watching my eyes twitch without rhythm.

What did I do to be cursed with this ghastly persona? I’m acting hateful towards those that I once called my friends… the last threads of rationality in my mind are snapping, and all I can think about is how I’m not around Emuci right now…

_And yet… ** ~~it feels so good… surely something that feels this good can’t be bad, right?~~**_

_…No. No! This isn’t right!_

**_Yes it is. This is who you really are._ **

“Shut up! SHUT UP!”

I drop to my knees, clutching my head.

_Why won’t it stop?! PLEASE! I’LL DO ANYTHING, JUST END THIS HELL!_

“…Oh. Of course… why hadn’t I thought of that…?” Ahaha…!”

Something changes inside of me, and everything starts to make sense again.

_Hee…Hee hee… ahaha… ** ~~ahahaha!~~**_

**_~~Yeah… everything will be fine… I need to remember my original goal…~~ _ **

**_~~I have to let Emuci know how much I love them… and then~~ _ ** _things might start to feel okay again…as long as I can ** ~~be with them…~~**_


	28. Ultimatum

I arrive back at the clubroom just in time for the others to finish sharing their poems. Monika briefly glances over in my direction before turning to face Emuci.

“Alright everyone, we should probably think about what we’re going to do for the festival,” she starts off with a smile, but it quickly gives way to an apathetic sigh. “Let’s hurry up and get this over with.”

_Monika… just what are you up to?_

“Wow, today’s really not going well, huh?” Natsuki pouts, placing a hand on her hip before looking up at me. “Even Yuri’s unsettled by all of this…”

Conflicting parts of my soul grind against each other cacophonously, struggling for dominance. I can feel a deep-seated desire to **_~~silence her~~_** trying to claw through my throat and make itself heard, but my last few threads of self-control manage to suppress it.

_It’s not worth it… even if ** ~~it would feel euphoric to get her out of the way,~~** it’s just not worth it…_

I take as steady a breath as my **_~~disobedient~~_** pulse will allow me. “…W-When the air becomes thick and uncomfortable like this, it’s typically telling that **_~~something terrible is about to happen~~_** …”

Monika closes her eyes, exhaling sharply. “Can we please stop wasting time? It would be prudent of you to listen to me here; I’ve decided to take the initiative to print and compile pamphlets of our poems for the recital. Perhaps Natsuki can-“

“Oh, I’ve got that covered,” Natsuki grins. “I want to make cupcakes for everyone!”

“…yeah, that sounds good. And Yuri, you can…”

She looks me up and down before shrugging, making no effort to hide her disdain.

“…just, do whatever you want. It doesn’t really matter.”

_Excuse me? Did I hear that properly? Did you forget that I’m this club’s Vice President?_

“That’s really quite uncalled for, Monika,” I tut curtly. “I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you weren’t trying to insinuate that I’m useless here. In fact, I’ve already thought of a suitable role for myself.”

For a split second, her stoic expression yields.

“As you’re most likely aware, I have a keen understanding of how one’s surroundings can affect their perception of their experiences; that’s why I’m going to take on the mantel of providing our recital with adequate atmospheric touches.”

“See? That’s a great idea!” Monika smiles at me patronizingly.

**_~~Really, where do you get off…?~~ _ **

“And that gives everyone something to do!” she folds her arms proudly.

“…pardon me,” I clear my throat, “but Emuci still doesn’t have anything to do… and I’d thought-“

“That’s been taken care of,” Monika states matter-of-factly. “Emuci shall be helping me over the weekend.”

“For real?” Natsuki raises an eyebrow, “You’ve got the easiest job here by far, Monika!”

“Sorry,” she shrugs, “that’s just how it is.”

“Are you kidding me?!” Natsuki stomps **_~~like the puerile child she is, throwing a tantrum because she can’t get her way.~~_** “You know Emuci’s a total pushover, so they’re never going to disagree with you”

“N-Natsuki’s right!” I stare Monika down, “Not only is your job already best suited for a single person, but _my_ task really could use an extra set of hands.”

_Especially from ** ~~someone as wonderful as Emuci…~~**_

“Yeah, same here!” Natsuki says.

“What, with your cupcakes? Give me a break…”

“Fuck you, Yuri!” she yells, “you don’t even _know_ what it’s like! All you care about now is pulling Emuci around by their wrist, keeping them right by your side. You _and_ Monika!”

“Hey now, that’s not very nice…” Monika looks genuinely hurt. **_~~She deserves it.~~_**

“Alright, then why not let Emuci make the choice themselves, instead of abusing your power as President?”

“T-That’s…not true…”

“I’m afraid it is, Monika,” I correct her, “so just let Emuci make their choice.”

“Alright, I get it!”

“Jeez…” Natsuki rolls her eyes, turning towards Emuci. “Listen, I know you must be sick of how possessive these two are by now, so how about-“

“ ** _ ~~Shut the fuck up, Natsuki. Let them make the right choice.”~~_**

“Oh my god, I can’t take this anymore,” Monika moans, “Emuci, what’s it going to be?”

Emuci’s eyes flit back and forth between everyone. They look like they’re trying desperately to face me, but their gaze immediately snaps back to Monika.

“U-Um… I want to help…Y…Y-Y-Yu- ** _ ~~Monika~~_**.”

**_~~No!~~ _ **

_Monika, what did you do to them?! They were clearly trying to say my name!_

“Yay, you picked me!” she says with a disgustingly smug smile. “How does this Sunday sound? I can pop over-“

“No, hold it!” Natsuki shouts, “That’s not fair at all! You were pressuring them!”

“Monika shrugs. “It is fair, Natsuki. It’s what they chose.

“N-No!” I glare at Monika, “this is anything _but_ fair. How shameful of you to dump all of this work on us whilst you take Emuci for yourself.”

“Yuri… you were the one who chose your task, remember? I think you’re being just a little bit unreasonable here…”

**_~~Oh, now that does it.~~ _ **

Whatever attempts at maintaining my composure that might have existed up until this point evaporate into pure, unbridled wrath.

“Did you say what I think you just said? That _I’m_ being unreasonable?”

I giggle uneasily, my emotions flaring through my veins.

“ ** _ ~~You really are delusional, aren’t you, Monika? Every time you’re not included in something, you take it out on me by trying to take Emuci away from me. Are you jealous? Insane? Or perhaps this is just a way for you to project your self-loathing onto others?”~~_**

“Y-Yuri, that’s…”

“ ** _ ~~You know what? I’ve got a suggestion for you, Monika; instead of making your silly little pamphlets, I think your effort would be better spent trying to end that pathetic façade you call a life. Maybe then you wouldn’t be harbouring these ill feelings towards others. Doesn’t that sound like a good idea?~~_ _ ~~”~~_**

**_~~I’ve put up with you and your meddling for too long, Monika; it’s about time someone put you in your place.~~ _ **

“Yuri…” Natsuki takes a step towards the door, “you’re starting to scare me a bit…”

Recognizing when she’s been beat, Monika gestures for Natsuki to follow her. “I think we should just go; I don’t think Yuri wasn’t to be around us right now.”

“I’m glad I could help you come to your senses,” I smile, “all I want is to spend a little time with them. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, is it?”

I move closer towards them in an effort to usher them out faster. Monika pokes her head back in through the doorframe, giving Emuci a wink.

“Yuri really is something, isn’t she?”

“Get out of here, Monika!” I hiss, forcefully shoving her out of the door before pulling it shut. In one swift motion, I twist the lock in the handle, and take a few calm steps towards Emuci.

“… Finally. It’s just the two of us.”

Emuci simply looks back at me, reeling me in with their captivating eyes.

_It’s now or never; the time has finally come._

“I’m sure you’re already thinking this, but…” I take a quick breath before taking another step closer, “you don’t need to spend the weekend with Monika. It would be much better if you were to come to my house… **_~~where we could be together… without anyone to get in our way…~~_** ”

My teeth chatter in anticipation. A thousand needles force their way through my veins, painfully increasing the pressure inside of me. Even now, some primal part of me knows I’m not acting normally.

“There’s… something really quite wrong with me, isn’t there? But you know what? I… honestly, I don’t care anymore. I tried to fight it before, but indulging these feelings leaves me nothing short of ecstatic.”

I reach forward, cupping their face in my hand.

“Just being here, with you… I can’t imagine anything more desirable… I truly think I’m addicted to you, in every sense of the word… I _need_ you…”

They don’t say anything; they don’t even blink. _They must be so enraptured by my adoration for them that they can’t even respond!_

“And although this is the best I’ve ever felt… I can’t shake the feeling that something truly dire is going to happen, you know? Perhaps that’s why I tried to fight these feelings at first; however, the _rush_ it gives me is too great to ignore now.”

_Here we go…_

“Emuci… I… I’m absolutely smitten with you! My blood crackles inside of me, each drop begging for your touch. I want the whole world to know, even if **_~~Monika is listening right now!~~_** ”

A playful smile starts to spread across Emuci’s face.

_Yes…! It’s happening!_

“I… I love you so much, Emuci… so much that I even **_~~imagine you’re there with me, in my bedroom… and I enact my fantasies with the pen I stole from you…~~_** ”

“I must have you, Emuci… forgive me, but allow me to be selfish… I can’t share you… I want you all to myself. And, in return, I shall only be yours. Isn’t that poetic, Emuci? It’s like the two of us were fated to be together…”

Every inch of my being screams for release as I make my final move.

“Emuci… do you accept my confession?”

They seem to be considering my words carefully, mulling them over before finally giving their answer.

“…Yes.”

_They… They said yes…! ** ~~They said YES!!~~**_

“…ahahaha…” I laugh softly, trying to keep calm, but it’s no use. Hearing them return my feelings is too much; **_~~I can’t simply keep my love for them in my heart; I have to release this pressure…!~~_**

“Ahahaha! Oh, Emuci… **_~~AhaHaHAAHhhaAHAHAHA!~~_** ”

Before I can stop myself, I reach into my pocket and pull out the knife concealed inside.

Quickly flicking the blade open, I plunge it deep into my heart.

“A-Ahn!”

**_~~Oh, Fuck! It’s… so good…!~~ _ **

_I…I can’t c-control myself…_

Again. **_~~Again. Ag-~~_**

…

_…huh?_

_W-What’s happening…? And why… why do I…_

I try to take a breath, but I’m filled with an excruciating pain, as though I were inhaling shattered glass.

_W-Why… d-d-does it h-hurt so much…?!_

Shaking, I look down and see my hands wrapped around the handle of a knife thrust deeply into my chest.

_What… who… w-who did this… to me…?!_

My terrified eyes dart around the spinning room, desperately trying to focus on anything that can tether me to reality. All I see is someone casually standing in front of me with a gentle smile.

_D-Did… Did they… a-attack me…?_

“I-I-I-I-“

I try to force the words out, but I can only manage a slight cough. The pain is quickly getting more and more intense, and it’s increasingly difficult for me to keep my balance.

Taking a single step forward, I reach out towards the person, but my knees buckle beneath me, and I immediately fall down to the ground.

_S-S-Someone… p-please… I… I don’t want to d-die……_

The person turns to look down at me, but doesn’t make any attempt to help me; the last thing I see before I drift out of consciousness is their blank face, devoid of any emotion.

_N-No… n-not like this… not… like… thissssss…_

…

……

………

……

…

**Chapter 1 : Crescent**

The quarter-moon sits lazily in the sky, casting a glowing beam unto the world below. Outside, the wind is drifting softly, whistling ever so slightly.

It’s three in the morning, and I’ve yet to sleep.

I lean over my desk with a thick tome laying open on top, teasingly. I really couldn’t pull myself away from it; whenever I thought I’d reached a point I could finish up at, It sucked me back in, like an insurmountable torrent of words.

I’ve always felt more comfortable with books; perhaps it’s because they can transport you to new worlds, or because they can challenge not only your way of thinking, but your core ideals. Books can burst and make you question your own reality.

[ _However, that’s a story for another day…_ ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14731392/chapters/34052559)


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